lirazel | this journal is 95% fic and navel-gazing

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this journal is 95% fic and navel-gazing

blah blah blah blah blah why does anyone even read these things anymore?

I know I've mentioned before (maybe on tumblr) that I feel like 27 seems soooo much older and more adult than 26. I have no idea why I feel that way, but for some reason 27 just seems undeniably grown-up, whereas 26 seems like you're still young and going with the flow. As my birthday gets closer, I'm getting mildly freaked out.

I'm not scared of getting older. I don't like thinking about the point where your body and mind start breaking down, but that's a long, long way off--I'm talking 70s or whatever. (The idea of losing my mind like my grandmama is absolutely terrifying, but I just don't let myself think about it because there's literally nothing I can do.) But I'm not scared of being 40 or 50 or whatever, even though that's a ways in front of me, too. The thought of being that age--the thought of getting wrinkles or my hair turning grey--those things don't bother me. So it really isn't getting older that freaks me out.

It's years passing without having accomplished the things I want to accomplish. I know intellectually that I'm still plenty young and that having graduated from college and holding down a job and supporting myself is plenty. I certainly feel that way about other people--when some of my friends are like, "I'VE DONE NOTHING SO FAR!" I sincerely believe it when I point out that they're surviving in this world and that is truly impressive (and getting more impressive all the time). But for me personally, I just can't convince myself that I've accomplished anything. I have a nothing job, I haven't bought a house (and have no desire to), I'm not continuing my education (in the formal sense), I've never had a relationship, I am not going to have kids any time soon if I have them at all, I don't have many friends in real life anymore having drifted away from all the people I was close to now that we live in different places or just have completely different lifestyles.

And I don't dislike my life. This isn't a complaining post or even a feeling-sorry-for-myself post. I'm quite content in a lot of ways. I don't mind my nothing job so much because I get to come home and spend my nights and weekends reading and writing and watching TV shows and making silly graphics for tumblr and talking to all of y'all. Those things make me so happy, and I don't feel that I need to fill up my life with lots of other stuff that's more conventionally believed to be "adult" or "meaningful." I am impatient with myself over my lack of progress on writing anything for publication, but other than that (and sometimes being struck with I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE AND NEVER HAVE FALLEN IN LOVE!!! feelings, but that's only a small percentage of the time), I am fine.

It's just the passage of time, you know? The passage of time is weird. And the idea of it running out before I can do all the things I want to do...I realize it's practically laughable to be worried about that when I haven't hit 30 yet. I also realize that probably a huge part of the reason I feel this way is because i'm from the conservative south and an evangelical subculture at that, and everybody gets married and starts having kids right out of college (unless they're poor or from very small towns and then they get married and start having kids right out of high school) and they buy houses and do the whole conventional life thing. And that's great if they want that! I have no scorn for those decisions at all. But I don't necessarily want that?

I can't imagine having kids right now. I'd like to get married, but most of the time I'm fine with that not having happened. Writing and learning and traveling and figuring out a way to create some sort of mentorship program for teenage girls--those are the things I want out of life. And I have so much time to do that! I know I do! But because the timeline in my world is "you accomplish the big momentous things in life [for most people, marriage and kids; for me, whatever it is that I want] in your mid-twenties," I start to feel like I'm on that same timeline. My little cousins are all starting to get married. I don't have anything I can share at extended family gatherings or when I see acquaintances I haven't seen in a long time. I may find watching Black Mirror and thinking deeply about it a really meaningful highlight of my month. But the people in my world don't want to hear about it. It's almost like they don't know how to mentally process lifestyle choices that aren't the standard--even if mine are unoffensive to the point of being boring to them. (Well, the huge amounts of m/m fic I write aside. But literally no one in the non-virtual world knows about that, and I am not going to tell anyone any time soon. I'm still half-convinced that my [former?] bff who I've drifted away from over the last half of this year pulled away from me after seeing my tumblr/AO3 profile. That's probably not even the case--it's probably just inertia, and I know that. But I still worry about it.)

What I'm trying to say is that it's not like I'm doing drugs or that I've come out or that I've had kids while being single or without having a shotgun marriage (I refuse to use 'out of wedlock' in a post omg how Victorian does that sound?) or even that I've gone and covered my body with tattoos (there's nothing wrong with any of those things! Well, the drugs, maybe, depending on what they are. But those are things that would definitely alienate the people I know, which is why I'm using them as examples. These would be social suicide in my situation). I look "normal" and I don't do anything that would terribly scandalize anyone. I'm a virgin who doesn't drink! (Though I can drive.) All of my rebellions have been ideological, and it's easy enough just not to bring my extremely pinko commie liberal (as far as the people in my world are concerned) beliefs into conversation. But at the same time, I feel like I'm living in such a different world than most of the people around me and that I don't really have many ways to connect to them. I'm not saying I have no way to do that--I can make casual conversation. I always have stuff to talk to my very close family members about (even if I edit a lot). But Thanksgiving was weird; after I had caught family up on what's up with the little sister down in Ecuador and we'd talked about little cousin's wedding plans and done a little reminiscing about when we were kids...what do I have to add to the conversation? (If only I liked sports, I would never run out of things to talk about, because people here will talk and talk and talk about college football--or pro football--or probably college basketball, idk--forever and ever and ever.)

I was talking with my hair stylist when I got my hair cut Tuesday night, and she was saying that when people ask, "Are you dating someone?" (which no one in my family asks me HAHAHAHA!) or wants to know about your job or kids or whatever, it's because they don't know what else to ask. Those are socially approved things to bring up in conversation, and so that's what people default to. They aren't necessarily trying to put pressure on you, but the end result is that it perpetuates the idea that college->married->kids->sending those kid to college->watching those kids get married->grandkids or, alternately, super-meaningful-passionate-career are the only acceptable life trajectories. And there are people who believe that, flat-out. But for even those who don't, they still default to them. And that makes social interaction weird for those of us who have nothing to offer on those fronts. I have nothing to say about my job other than a few half-amusing anecdotes about weird criminal charges I've seen. I am no closer to getting married and having kids now than I was at twelve. The things I like and care about--stories, primarily; art; history; travel; whatever--are harder to talk about on a shallow level and by definition esoteric. Lots of people are interested in some subsets of those things, but the chances of their subset overlapping my subset are slim. SO WHAT DO WE TALK ABOUT? Other people we know. And the weather.

Which of course is exhausting to me as an introvert. Deep conversation about ideas stimulate me. Small talk drains. I'm far past thinking that makes me better than people who are good at small talk; I'm just wired differently. But sometimes I wish that I had life events that I could use as social lubricant. Even if I was having a series of disastrous dates, people would listen to that and accept it in ways that they simply never would accept me talking about, like, having meltdowns over Infinite's photoshoots or even about how I've been reading a bunch of non-fiction about cults lately. (Why am I so fascinated by cults? Any theories appreciated!)

Circling back, all of this has been to say that by having accepted life milestones that people use as foundations for casual conversation, the idea that those milestones (met at appropriate times) are the only acceptable way to live solidifies. And even if you can break free of that belief, as I have, the timeline is harder to shake. I feel it. I feel like it's necessary to apply it to my life even though it was never meant to do so, even though it's only appropriate for the standard trajectory and even then not for everyone. But even as I know it's ridiculous to try to apply it to myself, I can't shake it entirely.

So turning 27 is mildly freaking me out.

And this has been a post.

To make this post not a complete waste of other people's time: I have seriously cried reading some of the things on the fandom love meme thing. I don't know what I've done to deserve you, but you are all blessings in my life. You humble me, in the best way. I love you.

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Been there. (Heck, still there, a lot of the time.)

*huggles*

Life is very strange, but expectations about it are stranger. Thanks for the hugs!

(ETA: I HAD SO MANY FEELINGS THAT I HAVE TO SPLIT THIS INTO TWO COMMENTS. Please hold.)

Can I just say how, like, weirdly thankful I am for this post, because I've been really feeling it lately too? It seems like so much of what I'm thinking about lately is very much in the entire "what if I don't achieve anything, what if I don't ever write a book/make a movie/create a TV series, what if I never figure out how to do anything meaningful" vein of things. And like, it's not even just in terms of what will I do but also the relationships I have (or don't) and the places I will (or won't) go. Like my most recent entry is just me being all emotional at length about how sad I am that my off-campus study program is ending, because I have met so many amazing people here and made so many friends, and I don't want to lose what we all have. And I know email and Facebook exist, but some people aren't into keeping up with that stuff and messaging others that way (which is understandable, I've only turned my Facebook back on after three years away because we had to turn in certain assignments there). And even if everyone was into that stuff, it's still just not the same as being a group in person and going out and having the kind of super excellent stimulating interesting conversations we have. And I feel like I love everyone, but there are still some people I didn't get to know very well/hang out with that much and it makes me so sad to think we won't see each other for a long time, if at all. Like, this one kid Justin is someone I didn't see in our downtime/outside of class very much, but yesterday when all of us were saying goodbye after class we talked for a bit about our plans and he told me I was a nice girl and hugged me + shook my hand and said he wanted us to keep in touch. Like, HOW SWEET IS THAT ESPECIALLY WHEN WE'RE NOT EVEN CLOSE? And I feel like that's how I am about just everybody in this program, and it's so sad that what we have has to be over.

And in terms of places, I don't even know, I just feel like I had some weird existential epiphany recently where it's like, the world is SO HUGE. And it's so full of amazing places and experiences and media and people. And I'm only ever going to experience a fraction of it, due to time concerns and how I am not a rich person who is in a position to jetset around the globe on a moment's whim and I hate planes anyway so that's not really something I want to do, but also I AM NEVER GOING TO VISIT THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA. (I don't know why that was what my brain settles on but it always seems to be the example it goes for with these kinds of things.) And I'm never going to meet so many people that I bet I could have the same kinds of wonderful relationships I already do with the people I love, simply because of distance and language barriers and everything. And it's like, of course no one person is ever going to be able to meet all the people or do all the things the world has to offer, that's just literally not feasible at all, but it seems so sad to me. Thinking about this makes me feel like I'm losing something I never understood well enough to genuinely appreciate in the first place, which sounds like a Taylor Swift lyric, but whatever, it's how I feel. (Tbh I feel very little shame about overidentifying with Taylor Swift lyrics. I had to restrain myself from putting TONIGHT I'M GONNA DANCE FOR ALL THAT WE'VE BEEN THROUGH BUT I DON'T WANNA DANCE IF I'M NOT DANCING WITH YOU on my Facebook after class yesterday and instead went with a David Foster Wallace quote I don't think anybody noticed because it was not like other people's more extensive literal goodbyes. But I think I'm okay with that because one of my apartmentmates posted about how we'll never all be in the same place again and it's bittersweet but she's glad she did this, and if I tried to write anything like that I would DISSOLVE INTO A SOBBING INARTICULATE MESS and that would be unfortunate.)

And just, I also really feel the sense of not living up to expectations/struggling to relate to others? I don't have the same "everyone is doing this" sense of community pressure the way you do, but my mom has made up for it in the past by being VERY CLEAR about her distress that I'm not more on track with my life/constantly putting myself out there and doing productive things. And I know she only wants me to be successful and fulfilled, but I don't really have any ambitions at this point and she's previously said things like "I just thought I'd see you passionate about something" or "come on, where's your passion" and it's just hard to deal with. I mean, I wish I had something going on like that just as much, but I can't make myself put huge levels of time and effort into chasing something down when the ~spark~ or whatever is not there. And I don't mean waiting passively for inspiration to strike, because that's obviously never going to help anyone get anything done, but just.......feeling the kind of interest that stirs up the drive to commit to something big in general. And of course I can't really talk about that because she will see it as me making excuses to be passive; she has talked before about how other kids at my college don't necessarily know what they want out of life or even what they want to do after school but they're still studying abroad in different countries, being really involved in programs, etc. And I know she's really proud of me for doing this Chicago program, but I'm mildly concerned that I might go back to being adrift and unsure once I'm back on campus and she will go back to the BUT WHY AREN'T YOU PASSIONATE. One time she honestly suggested taking a year off to find work in my hometown, which I found horrifying because I love my school so much and having to be at home would be horribly isolating and I just hated the idea in every way? But I feel like she was suggesting it because I'm not ~passionate~ about anything on campus (which isn't really true because most of the time I love my classes and am so into what I'm doing academically, but I guess that doesn't "count" because it's what's required of me anyhow). And she probably thought, well, if I don't have anything special happening there, I might as well try to improve my lack of experience. I am still REALLY HAPPY that she didn't fight me on my convictions about going back to school; I just know I would have felt so terrible not returning. But I still haven't found The Thing to commit to and be my huge special project or whatever and I'm scared of her thinking I've just wasted my time and continuing to put pressure on me to AMOUNT TO SOMETHING or BE REALLY ACTIVE AND FULL OF UNIQUE EXPERIENCES EVEN IF I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO AMOUNT TO EVENTUALLY. It's a tough place to be in.

In conclusion to this gigantic essay: I really feel you about the passage of time being a bizarre kind of anxiety-inducing thing to deal with! And I have been feeling very cognizant lately about things ending, and time that I cannot get back, and it's messing me up so hard. And, like, I'm only twenty-two, so I can definitely see how at least I am not as far along the "but what are you DOING" vibe from people. It's awkward and I guess don't really have anything helpful to say, except that you're not alone, and the idea that all your valuable experiences happen in your twenties really sucks because it definitely perpetuates an aura of I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT I WANT AND WHAT I'M GOING TO DO RIGHT NOW. I used to be (and sometimes still am) so compulsively scared of being older, because I feel like American culture has pushed the idea that now is the time to do anything that matters, and once I'm old or middle-aged or even just in my early thirties everything is supposed to be......significantly less exciting and much blander. Like there's a time limit on when I can do amazing/exciting/hilarious/ridiculous things. Which is a very silly concept, but man THE FEELING IS SO REAL.

/solidarity hugs

And I know she only wants me to be successful and fulfilled, but I don't really have any ambitions at this point and she's previously said things like "I just thought I'd see you passionate about something" or "come on, where's your passion" and it's just hard to deal with. I mean, I wish I had something going on like that just as much, but I can't make myself put huge levels of time and effort into chasing something down when the ~spark~ or whatever is not there.

Fistbump of solidarity? I just this week had exactly this conversation with my dad, and it was terrible.

But good on you for going back to school. It sounds like you're having a wonderful time.

ALL THE FISTBUMPS, friend. That conversation is the worst.

And thanks! I definitely have been; I'm just super neurotic about being a senior now, haha. LIFE. WHY IS IT LIKE THIS.

Man, okay, my dad initiated a conversation with me only three days ago in which he expressed concern over my (as you say, boring! inoffensive!) lifestyle and my lack of passion for anything in particular, and it was terrible and made me cry. Because I'm right where you are (exception with even less ambition): I have a job I like well enough, I come home and write fic and organize newsletters, watch TV and read comics and pet the cats, and it's a comfortable life full of things that delight me. And I'm not scandalous (except, as you say, for my pinko commie liberal opinions that I mostly don't mention, which makes me feel like I can't be fully myself with my family anymore, which sucks but is not the point of this comment), and I'm financially solvent, and I don't have any debt. Why doesn't that count as success? Why is my life not sufficient because I'm content???

Ugh, you have all my sympathies. I know just what you mean. I'm sorry. But look, here we have a community of people who are all in roughly the same place we are. You all are often my comfort when I think, "Gee, maybe I'm supposed to accomplish something??"

<3

Oh, God, I'm so sorry it was so awful! I can only imagine!

and it's a comfortable life full of things that delight me.

See, why is that not enough? Why do people think that's falling short? I think that's BEAUTIFUL and all most of us can really ask for in this world, you know? I'm sorry you're dealing with that being questioned.

(except, as you say, for my pinko commie liberal opinions that I mostly don't mention, which makes me feel like I can't be fully myself with my family anymore, which sucks but is not the point of this comment)

I am in exactly the same situation and it's so rough. About once a week I fall into a spiral of wondering whether I should just write the books I want to write or whether I should edit out all the things that would cause upheaval in my family. It's one of the biggest genuine conflicts in my life, and I don't know what the solution is. (If you ever need/want to talk about this, I am here.)

But look, here we have a community of people who are all in roughly the same place we are. You all are often my comfort when I think, "Gee, maybe I'm supposed to accomplish something??"

This is so true. We're so lucky to have this community.

I think living and being even (mostly) happy is a great accomplishment. So many of us can't find their place of contentment much less anything else.

I think you are absolutely right. I wish the rest of the world would learn this. *sigh*

[S]pend your twenties learning how to mentally block out trend pieces about the importance of reaching specific life milestones in a timely fashion. -- Gabrielle Moss (according to tumblr, at least, you know how that goes.)

I think what you said it's something that we need to discover and accept some time down the path of life. Only by realizing how those milestones affect our own decisions we'll be able to try (fight to) break free of them, at least when or if that's what we want. We need to accept their existence and influence, which is something I've tried to deny in the past -- and was useless. I feel that I was, in a way, lucky enough that I got to be aware of them early on. As I realized I wasn't straight, I felt that set me apart from most of my peers -- I needed to figure out my own sexuality and then deal with it before letting my dear ones know about it, and in some senses that screwed up the timeline I saw everyone following. After that, though, I still had much to learn before I accepted this reality but I was already aware of the fact that Hollywood can feed us the lies they want to feed us, yet not all of us follow the same paths.

That said, I don't think it's that rare to feel the way you do. I'm 22 and I feel like that MOST OF THE TIME. In fact, this post has caught me in that sort of mood, because I've been failing like that all week (and mopping around because THAT is one talent I have, yay). We compare to each other, and we hold expectations over each other that yeah, some may meet, but what if you don't? That doesn't mean anything, or it shouldn't. I have this friend I love that's finished her Degree, moved to Wales, found a job and is supporting herself. All of this without having turned 22 (she did recently, though, while already there). She seems to be following that timeline, and I am not, and sometimes I feel like WELL WHAT HAVE I DONE IN LIFE and 'nothing's the answer that comes to mind. Which, in fact, if we follow the milestones timeline, it is true.

Personally, because I know myself well enough to know that this affects me deeply, some time ago I chose not to share what I don't want to. My family thinks I'm way too reserved, think I should open up, but I know that if I do I will be judged for making my own choices, like dropping out and enrolling back in uni, tattooing myself, not being interested in relationships, not dreaming of kids in my future. Because I do not want that hurt in my life (and I definitely do not need it at the moment), I don't talk about that. And by not feeling directly judged by people, I've enabled myself to keep making those decisions and carry them on happily. With time, I've learnt to not care. Nowadays, I can share most of those -- I can talk happily about my love experience (minimum) and why I don't want relationships in my life at the moment, for instance. I've become more and more confident on the life I choose, and if there are some things that I still have to work on -- well, I have time. I am choosing my own path, I am trying to be happy on my own terms, and that's something I need to learn to be confident with, and also proud.

I think this is one of the biggest struggles in our generation (I'm sure it affected others as well, but because we are in that time when we're supposed to have freedom to do WHATEVER WE WANT with our lives, yet we're conditioned by our society's habits, it's us that are struggling to find the balance the most). I also think it's something we won't completely shake off, probably not ever. We do need to learn to deal with it in the best way possible, a way that enables us to be ourselves. 27 is not that much older than 26, even if it feels like centuries. I fear the year I turn 25 because I should be graduated by my birthday and what if not, that's the least I should've accomplished by then! We just need to work on that. You're an admirable woman anyway. You're clever and talented and you are aware of the world around you in ways many people aren't, you try to make it better and you're working towards you're success. I will always say that I wish you the best regarding your writing. You're talented and I'm sure you can do it. These are the little obstacles in the way, but I guess we should think of the stories we love so much -- if the heroes wouldn't face hardships, how would they learn and improve themselves? No pain, no gain!

And I don't know how to finish this, but yeah. It was such a timely post, and so thoughtful, and by the way thinking this over as I wrote this comment has helped me a lot, so thank you!

BIG HUG FOR YOU, PRETTY ♥

They aren't necessarily trying to put pressure on you, but the end result is that it perpetuates the idea that college->married->kids->sending those kid to college->watching those kids get married->grandkids or, alternately, super-meaningful-passionate-career are the only acceptable life trajectories. And there are people who believe that, flat-out. But for even those who don't, they still default to them.

ooooooh, yeah.

♥

It's a mess, isn't it?

♥

If you've got a job that makes you happy, keeps you sheltered and fed and still allows enough time to indulge in the things you do like, that probably puts you ahead of a lot of people your age or a bit younger. So, given your stated goals, you're in pretty good shape. Maybe concentrating a bit more on original work for publication would help? Even if you can't share that with friends and family (yet! Wait till you're a success), you'll know that you're working toward one of your goals and that should help when you're feeling sucked into someone else's goals. I know you're a brilliant writer, so be grateful your life allows you the time to concentrate on it and go for it. All that other stuff? That's the part of life that just happens while you're busy being successful. :)

Well, the job doesn't make me happy, but I've got the rest down and I think you're very right.

This is a fantastic and encouraging comment, thank you so much!

:-)

The good part about this thinking, for me, is that it forces me to articulate exactly what I love so much about my life, even though I know it won't make sense to my family, my high school friends, etc. The challenge is good because, while I want to be accepted, I'm too much of a contrarian to accept it on any false terms -- I want to find my niche properly, which means acknowledging how different it might be from what my dad would want from me, etc.

The bad part is that it can lead to the spiral of despair.

I feel you.

That is such a good point! And I have had to do a lot of thinking about it and it helps me clarify what it is that's important to me in life.

We're making it. *all the hugs*

I'm not in exactly the same position (I only just finished my degree and am planning further studying), but I feel you on many a thing in this post, especially not being able to satisfy the family's expectations about what one should be doing with one's life -- and generally just feeling disconnected from the family, period (although I actually AM physically separated from most of my family in another continent, trolol). I'm not sure there is a solution for that. It just... is what it is, I guess. And it's a great thing that you have a support system in other places (see: here) with people who totally understand you and can relate.

The things I like and care about--stories, primarily; art; history; travel; whatever--are harder to talk about on a shallow level and by definition esoteric. Lots of people are interested in some subsets of those things, but the chances of their subset overlapping my subset are slim.

RIGHT? Shallow conversation is the worst. How can people stand having conversations about things that mean nothing to them??? IDGI.

In conclusion: YANA. Navel gaze all you want. I hope the 27th birthday is a good one in addition to being mildly freaky.

♥

. It just... is what it is, I guess. And it's a great thing that you have a support system in other places (see: here) with people who totally understand you and can relate.

Very, very true.

RIGHT? Shallow conversation is the worst. How can people stand having conversations about things that mean nothing to them??? IDGI.

And there are so many unspoken rules for that shallow conversation! So many missteps you can take, so so much energy goes into making sure you say the right things! HELLISH!

Navel gaze all you want. I hope the 27th birthday is a good one in addition to being mildly freaky.

You're the best. I'm so glad I know you.

♥

oy

I relate to this post so much. I didn't think that there was really anything wrong with how long it has taken me to get through my MA until I was suddenly surrounded by a group of girls just out of their BAs. And then I realized that I got my BA the same year that they graduated HS. And then came the inevitable: OMG WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME I AM SUCH A LOSER.

which in turn led my thesis to go nowhere.

So now I'm sitting in my teeny BKK apartment feeling like I've accomplished nothing and every time I contemplate working on my thesis, I just... can't. To the point that I'm now reaching 2 YEARS of supposedly writing and just don't care.

I honestly have been contemplating just dropping my MA.

Seriously my brain has decided that throwing away 2 years of coursework is preferable to writing a ~~really long~~ paper.

Which of course is exhausting to me as an introvert. Deep conversation about ideas stimulate me. Small talk drains. I'm far past thinking that makes me better than people who are good at small talk; I'm just wired differently.
This is so interesting to me because I always think of myself as an extrovert - but THIS defines my social needs perfectly. If I *don't* get stimulating conversations, I get really blue and sometimes get a case of the mean reds. Like a toddler who needs food/a nap. But trying to get me to small talk when I'm feeling this way makes me feel even worse. And I get the sense extroverts don't often have that problem.

I feel like I just jumped on this post to whine. So.

I'm sorry that you are stressed about turning 27. Let it be. Let the stress be what it is and talk about it, but be happy when you are happy and nervous when you are nervous and sad when you are sad.

A lot of this post (and your others) seem to be about a nervousness for not feeling a certain way - rather than being. Like: you are happy and there's all this pressure to only feel happy if you have certain things or have done certain things. Just... you're awesome, okay? I think you've probably accomplished more than you think you have.

If anything....

Our lives, at the end, are measured in the people that we have touched and the positive energy that we have put into the world. You touch so many people every day with your light and your thoughtfulness. Your fic and your energy and your thoughts are reaching out to people and bringing people together (where would I be without Ranya and Joanne? I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW. And I know you are responsible for that) - opening minds and hearts. I know the timeline is hard to shake but...

...

I'm still shipping you with that still unknown old man on the bus stop in your future.

You're going to be so cute.

Or you won't. Or something else will happen. Or nothing else will happen. Or everything else will happen.

It's easy to forget in the heat of life - but the stories that we love the most are the ones that give us something unexpected. There's a purpose to the expected Star Wars/Campbellian Hero's Journey - but then we get really lovely things that are nothing like that at all. And it's always so thrilling and lovely.

So you aren't on the standard path to the American Dream. You're on a path somewhere else. And that's exciting because it's unexpected and unpredictable.

In conclusion: I love you.

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