(ETA: I HAD SO MANY FEELINGS THAT I HAVE TO SPLIT THIS INTO TWO COMMENTS. Please hold.)
Can I just say how, like, weirdly thankful I am for this post, because I've been really feeling it lately too? It seems like so much of what I'm thinking about lately is very much in the entire "what if I don't achieve anything, what if I don't ever write a book/make a movie/create a TV series, what if I never figure out how to do anything meaningful" vein of things. And like, it's not even just in terms of what will I do but also the relationships I have (or don't) and the places I will (or won't) go. Like my most recent entry is just me being all emotional at length about how sad I am that my off-campus study program is ending, because I have met so many amazing people here and made so many friends, and I don't want to lose what we all have. And I know email and Facebook exist, but some people aren't into keeping up with that stuff and messaging others that way (which is understandable, I've only turned my Facebook back on after three years away because we had to turn in certain assignments there). And even if everyone was into that stuff, it's still just not the same as being a group in person and going out and having the kind of super excellent stimulating interesting conversations we have. And I feel like I love everyone, but there are still some people I didn't get to know very well/hang out with that much and it makes me so sad to think we won't see each other for a long time, if at all. Like, this one kid Justin is someone I didn't see in our downtime/outside of class very much, but yesterday when all of us were saying goodbye after class we talked for a bit about our plans and he told me I was a nice girl and hugged me + shook my hand and said he wanted us to keep in touch. Like, HOW SWEET IS THAT ESPECIALLY WHEN WE'RE NOT EVEN CLOSE? And I feel like that's how I am about just everybody in this program, and it's so sad that what we have has to be over.
And in terms of places, I don't even know, I just feel like I had some weird existential epiphany recently where it's like, the world is SO HUGE. And it's so full of amazing places and experiences and media and people. And I'm only ever going to experience a fraction of it, due to time concerns and how I am not a rich person who is in a position to jetset around the globe on a moment's whim and I hate planes anyway so that's not really something I want to do, but also I AM NEVER GOING TO VISIT THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA. (I don't know why that was what my brain settles on but it always seems to be the example it goes for with these kinds of things.) And I'm never going to meet so many people that I bet I could have the same kinds of wonderful relationships I already do with the people I love, simply because of distance and language barriers and everything. And it's like, of course no one person is ever going to be able to meet all the people or do all the things the world has to offer, that's just literally not feasible at all, but it seems so sad to me. Thinking about this makes me feel like I'm losing something I never understood well enough to genuinely appreciate in the first place, which sounds like a Taylor Swift lyric, but whatever, it's how I feel. (Tbh I feel very little shame about overidentifying with Taylor Swift lyrics. I had to restrain myself from putting TONIGHT I'M GONNA DANCE FOR ALL THAT WE'VE BEEN THROUGH BUT I DON'T WANNA DANCE IF I'M NOT DANCING WITH YOU on my Facebook after class yesterday and instead went with a David Foster Wallace quote I don't think anybody noticed because it was not like other people's more extensive literal goodbyes. But I think I'm okay with that because one of my apartmentmates posted about how we'll never all be in the same place again and it's bittersweet but she's glad she did this, and if I tried to write anything like that I would DISSOLVE INTO A SOBBING INARTICULATE MESS and that would be unfortunate.)
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Can I just say how, like, weirdly thankful I am for this post, because I've been really feeling it lately too? It seems like so much of what I'm thinking about lately is very much in the entire "what if I don't achieve anything, what if I don't ever write a book/make a movie/create a TV series, what if I never figure out how to do anything meaningful" vein of things. And like, it's not even just in terms of what will I do but also the relationships I have (or don't) and the places I will (or won't) go. Like my most recent entry is just me being all emotional at length about how sad I am that my off-campus study program is ending, because I have met so many amazing people here and made so many friends, and I don't want to lose what we all have. And I know email and Facebook exist, but some people aren't into keeping up with that stuff and messaging others that way (which is understandable, I've only turned my Facebook back on after three years away because we had to turn in certain assignments there). And even if everyone was into that stuff, it's still just not the same as being a group in person and going out and having the kind of super excellent stimulating interesting conversations we have. And I feel like I love everyone, but there are still some people I didn't get to know very well/hang out with that much and it makes me so sad to think we won't see each other for a long time, if at all. Like, this one kid Justin is someone I didn't see in our downtime/outside of class very much, but yesterday when all of us were saying goodbye after class we talked for a bit about our plans and he told me I was a nice girl and hugged me + shook my hand and said he wanted us to keep in touch. Like, HOW SWEET IS THAT ESPECIALLY WHEN WE'RE NOT EVEN CLOSE? And I feel like that's how I am about just everybody in this program, and it's so sad that what we have has to be over.
And in terms of places, I don't even know, I just feel like I had some weird existential epiphany recently where it's like, the world is SO HUGE. And it's so full of amazing places and experiences and media and people. And I'm only ever going to experience a fraction of it, due to time concerns and how I am not a rich person who is in a position to jetset around the globe on a moment's whim and I hate planes anyway so that's not really something I want to do, but also I AM NEVER GOING TO VISIT THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA. (I don't know why that was what my brain settles on but it always seems to be the example it goes for with these kinds of things.) And I'm never going to meet so many people that I bet I could have the same kinds of wonderful relationships I already do with the people I love, simply because of distance and language barriers and everything. And it's like, of course no one person is ever going to be able to meet all the people or do all the things the world has to offer, that's just literally not feasible at all, but it seems so sad to me. Thinking about this makes me feel like I'm losing something I never understood well enough to genuinely appreciate in the first place, which sounds like a Taylor Swift lyric, but whatever, it's how I feel. (Tbh I feel very little shame about overidentifying with Taylor Swift lyrics. I had to restrain myself from putting TONIGHT I'M GONNA DANCE FOR ALL THAT WE'VE BEEN THROUGH BUT I DON'T WANNA DANCE IF I'M NOT DANCING WITH YOU on my Facebook after class yesterday and instead went with a David Foster Wallace quote I don't think anybody noticed because it was not like other people's more extensive literal goodbyes. But I think I'm okay with that because one of my apartmentmates posted about how we'll never all be in the same place again and it's bittersweet but she's glad she did this, and if I tried to write anything like that I would DISSOLVE INTO A SOBBING INARTICULATE MESS and that would be unfortunate.)