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this journal is 95% fic and navel-gazing
blah blah blah blah blah why does anyone even read these things anymore?
I know I've mentioned before (maybe on tumblr) that I feel like 27 seems soooo much older and more adult than 26. I have no idea why I feel that way, but for some reason 27 just seems undeniably grown-up, whereas 26 seems like you're still young and going with the flow. As my birthday gets closer, I'm getting mildly freaked out.
I'm not scared of getting older. I don't like thinking about the point where your body and mind start breaking down, but that's a long, long way off--I'm talking 70s or whatever. (The idea of losing my mind like my grandmama is absolutely terrifying, but I just don't let myself think about it because there's literally nothing I can do.) But I'm not scared of being 40 or 50 or whatever, even though that's a ways in front of me, too. The thought of being that age--the thought of getting wrinkles or my hair turning grey--those things don't bother me. So it really isn't getting older that freaks me out.
It's years passing without having accomplished the things I want to accomplish. I know intellectually that I'm still plenty young and that having graduated from college and holding down a job and supporting myself is plenty. I certainly feel that way about other people--when some of my friends are like, "I'VE DONE NOTHING SO FAR!" I sincerely believe it when I point out that they're surviving in this world and that is truly impressive (and getting more impressive all the time). But for me personally, I just can't convince myself that I've accomplished anything. I have a nothing job, I haven't bought a house (and have no desire to), I'm not continuing my education (in the formal sense), I've never had a relationship, I am not going to have kids any time soon if I have them at all, I don't have many friends in real life anymore having drifted away from all the people I was close to now that we live in different places or just have completely different lifestyles.
And I don't dislike my life. This isn't a complaining post or even a feeling-sorry-for-myself post. I'm quite content in a lot of ways. I don't mind my nothing job so much because I get to come home and spend my nights and weekends reading and writing and watching TV shows and making silly graphics for tumblr and talking to all of y'all. Those things make me so happy, and I don't feel that I need to fill up my life with lots of other stuff that's more conventionally believed to be "adult" or "meaningful." I am impatient with myself over my lack of progress on writing anything for publication, but other than that (and sometimes being struck with I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE AND NEVER HAVE FALLEN IN LOVE!!! feelings, but that's only a small percentage of the time), I am fine.
It's just the passage of time, you know? The passage of time is weird. And the idea of it running out before I can do all the things I want to do...I realize it's practically laughable to be worried about that when I haven't hit 30 yet. I also realize that probably a huge part of the reason I feel this way is because i'm from the conservative south and an evangelical subculture at that, and everybody gets married and starts having kids right out of college (unless they're poor or from very small towns and then they get married and start having kids right out of high school) and they buy houses and do the whole conventional life thing. And that's great if they want that! I have no scorn for those decisions at all. But I don't necessarily want that?
I can't imagine having kids right now. I'd like to get married, but most of the time I'm fine with that not having happened. Writing and learning and traveling and figuring out a way to create some sort of mentorship program for teenage girls--those are the things I want out of life. And I have so much time to do that! I know I do! But because the timeline in my world is "you accomplish the big momentous things in life [for most people, marriage and kids; for me, whatever it is that I want] in your mid-twenties," I start to feel like I'm on that same timeline. My little cousins are all starting to get married. I don't have anything I can share at extended family gatherings or when I see acquaintances I haven't seen in a long time. I may find watching Black Mirror and thinking deeply about it a really meaningful highlight of my month. But the people in my world don't want to hear about it. It's almost like they don't know how to mentally process lifestyle choices that aren't the standard--even if mine are unoffensive to the point of being boring to them. (Well, the huge amounts of m/m fic I write aside. But literally no one in the non-virtual world knows about that, and I am not going to tell anyone any time soon. I'm still half-convinced that my [former?] bff who I've drifted away from over the last half of this year pulled away from me after seeing my tumblr/AO3 profile. That's probably not even the case--it's probably just inertia, and I know that. But I still worry about it.)
What I'm trying to say is that it's not like I'm doing drugs or that I've come out or that I've had kids while being single or without having a shotgun marriage (I refuse to use 'out of wedlock' in a post omg how Victorian does that sound?) or even that I've gone and covered my body with tattoos (there's nothing wrong with any of those things! Well, the drugs, maybe, depending on what they are. But those are things that would definitely alienate the people I know, which is why I'm using them as examples. These would be social suicide in my situation). I look "normal" and I don't do anything that would terribly scandalize anyone. I'm a virgin who doesn't drink! (Though I can drive.) All of my rebellions have been ideological, and it's easy enough just not to bring my extremely pinko commie liberal (as far as the people in my world are concerned) beliefs into conversation. But at the same time, I feel like I'm living in such a different world than most of the people around me and that I don't really have many ways to connect to them. I'm not saying I have no way to do that--I can make casual conversation. I always have stuff to talk to my very close family members about (even if I edit a lot). But Thanksgiving was weird; after I had caught family up on what's up with the little sister down in Ecuador and we'd talked about little cousin's wedding plans and done a little reminiscing about when we were kids...what do I have to add to the conversation? (If only I liked sports, I would never run out of things to talk about, because people here will talk and talk and talk about college football--or pro football--or probably college basketball, idk--forever and ever and ever.)
I was talking with my hair stylist when I got my hair cut Tuesday night, and she was saying that when people ask, "Are you dating someone?" (which no one in my family asks me HAHAHAHA!) or wants to know about your job or kids or whatever, it's because they don't know what else to ask. Those are socially approved things to bring up in conversation, and so that's what people default to. They aren't necessarily trying to put pressure on you, but the end result is that it perpetuates the idea that college->married->kids->sending those kid to college->watching those kids get married->grandkids or, alternately, super-meaningful-passionate-career are the only acceptable life trajectories. And there are people who believe that, flat-out. But for even those who don't, they still default to them. And that makes social interaction weird for those of us who have nothing to offer on those fronts. I have nothing to say about my job other than a few half-amusing anecdotes about weird criminal charges I've seen. I am no closer to getting married and having kids now than I was at twelve. The things I like and care about--stories, primarily; art; history; travel; whatever--are harder to talk about on a shallow level and by definition esoteric. Lots of people are interested in some subsets of those things, but the chances of their subset overlapping my subset are slim. SO WHAT DO WE TALK ABOUT? Other people we know. And the weather.
Which of course is exhausting to me as an introvert. Deep conversation about ideas stimulate me. Small talk drains. I'm far past thinking that makes me better than people who are good at small talk; I'm just wired differently. But sometimes I wish that I had life events that I could use as social lubricant. Even if I was having a series of disastrous dates, people would listen to that and accept it in ways that they simply never would accept me talking about, like, having meltdowns over Infinite's photoshoots or even about how I've been reading a bunch of non-fiction about cults lately. (Why am I so fascinated by cults? Any theories appreciated!)
Circling back, all of this has been to say that by having accepted life milestones that people use as foundations for casual conversation, the idea that those milestones (met at appropriate times) are the only acceptable way to live solidifies. And even if you can break free of that belief, as I have, the timeline is harder to shake. I feel it. I feel like it's necessary to apply it to my life even though it was never meant to do so, even though it's only appropriate for the standard trajectory and even then not for everyone. But even as I know it's ridiculous to try to apply it to myself, I can't shake it entirely.
So turning 27 is mildly freaking me out.
And this has been a post.
To make this post not a complete waste of other people's time: I have seriously cried reading some of the things on the fandom love meme thing. I don't know what I've done to deserve you, but you are all blessings in my life. You humble me, in the best way. I love you.
I know I've mentioned before (maybe on tumblr) that I feel like 27 seems soooo much older and more adult than 26. I have no idea why I feel that way, but for some reason 27 just seems undeniably grown-up, whereas 26 seems like you're still young and going with the flow. As my birthday gets closer, I'm getting mildly freaked out.
I'm not scared of getting older. I don't like thinking about the point where your body and mind start breaking down, but that's a long, long way off--I'm talking 70s or whatever. (The idea of losing my mind like my grandmama is absolutely terrifying, but I just don't let myself think about it because there's literally nothing I can do.) But I'm not scared of being 40 or 50 or whatever, even though that's a ways in front of me, too. The thought of being that age--the thought of getting wrinkles or my hair turning grey--those things don't bother me. So it really isn't getting older that freaks me out.
It's years passing without having accomplished the things I want to accomplish. I know intellectually that I'm still plenty young and that having graduated from college and holding down a job and supporting myself is plenty. I certainly feel that way about other people--when some of my friends are like, "I'VE DONE NOTHING SO FAR!" I sincerely believe it when I point out that they're surviving in this world and that is truly impressive (and getting more impressive all the time). But for me personally, I just can't convince myself that I've accomplished anything. I have a nothing job, I haven't bought a house (and have no desire to), I'm not continuing my education (in the formal sense), I've never had a relationship, I am not going to have kids any time soon if I have them at all, I don't have many friends in real life anymore having drifted away from all the people I was close to now that we live in different places or just have completely different lifestyles.
And I don't dislike my life. This isn't a complaining post or even a feeling-sorry-for-myself post. I'm quite content in a lot of ways. I don't mind my nothing job so much because I get to come home and spend my nights and weekends reading and writing and watching TV shows and making silly graphics for tumblr and talking to all of y'all. Those things make me so happy, and I don't feel that I need to fill up my life with lots of other stuff that's more conventionally believed to be "adult" or "meaningful." I am impatient with myself over my lack of progress on writing anything for publication, but other than that (and sometimes being struck with I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE AND NEVER HAVE FALLEN IN LOVE!!! feelings, but that's only a small percentage of the time), I am fine.
It's just the passage of time, you know? The passage of time is weird. And the idea of it running out before I can do all the things I want to do...I realize it's practically laughable to be worried about that when I haven't hit 30 yet. I also realize that probably a huge part of the reason I feel this way is because i'm from the conservative south and an evangelical subculture at that, and everybody gets married and starts having kids right out of college (unless they're poor or from very small towns and then they get married and start having kids right out of high school) and they buy houses and do the whole conventional life thing. And that's great if they want that! I have no scorn for those decisions at all. But I don't necessarily want that?
I can't imagine having kids right now. I'd like to get married, but most of the time I'm fine with that not having happened. Writing and learning and traveling and figuring out a way to create some sort of mentorship program for teenage girls--those are the things I want out of life. And I have so much time to do that! I know I do! But because the timeline in my world is "you accomplish the big momentous things in life [for most people, marriage and kids; for me, whatever it is that I want] in your mid-twenties," I start to feel like I'm on that same timeline. My little cousins are all starting to get married. I don't have anything I can share at extended family gatherings or when I see acquaintances I haven't seen in a long time. I may find watching Black Mirror and thinking deeply about it a really meaningful highlight of my month. But the people in my world don't want to hear about it. It's almost like they don't know how to mentally process lifestyle choices that aren't the standard--even if mine are unoffensive to the point of being boring to them. (Well, the huge amounts of m/m fic I write aside. But literally no one in the non-virtual world knows about that, and I am not going to tell anyone any time soon. I'm still half-convinced that my [former?] bff who I've drifted away from over the last half of this year pulled away from me after seeing my tumblr/AO3 profile. That's probably not even the case--it's probably just inertia, and I know that. But I still worry about it.)
What I'm trying to say is that it's not like I'm doing drugs or that I've come out or that I've had kids while being single or without having a shotgun marriage (I refuse to use 'out of wedlock' in a post omg how Victorian does that sound?) or even that I've gone and covered my body with tattoos (there's nothing wrong with any of those things! Well, the drugs, maybe, depending on what they are. But those are things that would definitely alienate the people I know, which is why I'm using them as examples. These would be social suicide in my situation). I look "normal" and I don't do anything that would terribly scandalize anyone. I'm a virgin who doesn't drink! (Though I can drive.) All of my rebellions have been ideological, and it's easy enough just not to bring my extremely pinko commie liberal (as far as the people in my world are concerned) beliefs into conversation. But at the same time, I feel like I'm living in such a different world than most of the people around me and that I don't really have many ways to connect to them. I'm not saying I have no way to do that--I can make casual conversation. I always have stuff to talk to my very close family members about (even if I edit a lot). But Thanksgiving was weird; after I had caught family up on what's up with the little sister down in Ecuador and we'd talked about little cousin's wedding plans and done a little reminiscing about when we were kids...what do I have to add to the conversation? (If only I liked sports, I would never run out of things to talk about, because people here will talk and talk and talk about college football--or pro football--or probably college basketball, idk--forever and ever and ever.)
I was talking with my hair stylist when I got my hair cut Tuesday night, and she was saying that when people ask, "Are you dating someone?" (which no one in my family asks me HAHAHAHA!) or wants to know about your job or kids or whatever, it's because they don't know what else to ask. Those are socially approved things to bring up in conversation, and so that's what people default to. They aren't necessarily trying to put pressure on you, but the end result is that it perpetuates the idea that college->married->kids->sending those kid to college->watching those kids get married->grandkids or, alternately, super-meaningful-passionate-career are the only acceptable life trajectories. And there are people who believe that, flat-out. But for even those who don't, they still default to them. And that makes social interaction weird for those of us who have nothing to offer on those fronts. I have nothing to say about my job other than a few half-amusing anecdotes about weird criminal charges I've seen. I am no closer to getting married and having kids now than I was at twelve. The things I like and care about--stories, primarily; art; history; travel; whatever--are harder to talk about on a shallow level and by definition esoteric. Lots of people are interested in some subsets of those things, but the chances of their subset overlapping my subset are slim. SO WHAT DO WE TALK ABOUT? Other people we know. And the weather.
Which of course is exhausting to me as an introvert. Deep conversation about ideas stimulate me. Small talk drains. I'm far past thinking that makes me better than people who are good at small talk; I'm just wired differently. But sometimes I wish that I had life events that I could use as social lubricant. Even if I was having a series of disastrous dates, people would listen to that and accept it in ways that they simply never would accept me talking about, like, having meltdowns over Infinite's photoshoots or even about how I've been reading a bunch of non-fiction about cults lately. (Why am I so fascinated by cults? Any theories appreciated!)
Circling back, all of this has been to say that by having accepted life milestones that people use as foundations for casual conversation, the idea that those milestones (met at appropriate times) are the only acceptable way to live solidifies. And even if you can break free of that belief, as I have, the timeline is harder to shake. I feel it. I feel like it's necessary to apply it to my life even though it was never meant to do so, even though it's only appropriate for the standard trajectory and even then not for everyone. But even as I know it's ridiculous to try to apply it to myself, I can't shake it entirely.
So turning 27 is mildly freaking me out.
And this has been a post.
To make this post not a complete waste of other people's time: I have seriously cried reading some of the things on the fandom love meme thing. I don't know what I've done to deserve you, but you are all blessings in my life. You humble me, in the best way. I love you.