And just, I also really feel the sense of not living up to expectations/struggling to relate to others? I don't have the same "everyone is doing this" sense of community pressure the way you do, but my mom has made up for it in the past by being VERY CLEAR about her distress that I'm not more on track with my life/constantly putting myself out there and doing productive things. And I know she only wants me to be successful and fulfilled, but I don't really have any ambitions at this point and she's previously said things like "I just thought I'd see you passionate about something" or "come on, where's your passion" and it's just hard to deal with. I mean, I wish I had something going on like that just as much, but I can't make myself put huge levels of time and effort into chasing something down when the ~spark~ or whatever is not there. And I don't mean waiting passively for inspiration to strike, because that's obviously never going to help anyone get anything done, but just.......feeling the kind of interest that stirs up the drive to commit to something big in general. And of course I can't really talk about that because she will see it as me making excuses to be passive; she has talked before about how other kids at my college don't necessarily know what they want out of life or even what they want to do after school but they're still studying abroad in different countries, being really involved in programs, etc. And I know she's really proud of me for doing this Chicago program, but I'm mildly concerned that I might go back to being adrift and unsure once I'm back on campus and she will go back to the BUT WHY AREN'T YOU PASSIONATE. One time she honestly suggested taking a year off to find work in my hometown, which I found horrifying because I love my school so much and having to be at home would be horribly isolating and I just hated the idea in every way? But I feel like she was suggesting it because I'm not ~passionate~ about anything on campus (which isn't really true because most of the time I love my classes and am so into what I'm doing academically, but I guess that doesn't "count" because it's what's required of me anyhow). And she probably thought, well, if I don't have anything special happening there, I might as well try to improve my lack of experience. I am still REALLY HAPPY that she didn't fight me on my convictions about going back to school; I just know I would have felt so terrible not returning. But I still haven't found The Thing to commit to and be my huge special project or whatever and I'm scared of her thinking I've just wasted my time and continuing to put pressure on me to AMOUNT TO SOMETHING or BE REALLY ACTIVE AND FULL OF UNIQUE EXPERIENCES EVEN IF I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO AMOUNT TO EVENTUALLY. It's a tough place to be in.

In conclusion to this gigantic essay: I really feel you about the passage of time being a bizarre kind of anxiety-inducing thing to deal with! And I have been feeling very cognizant lately about things ending, and time that I cannot get back, and it's messing me up so hard. And, like, I'm only twenty-two, so I can definitely see how at least I am not as far along the "but what are you DOING" vibe from people. It's awkward and I guess don't really have anything helpful to say, except that you're not alone, and the idea that all your valuable experiences happen in your twenties really sucks because it definitely perpetuates an aura of I HAVE TO KNOW WHAT I WANT AND WHAT I'M GOING TO DO RIGHT NOW. I used to be (and sometimes still am) so compulsively scared of being older, because I feel like American culture has pushed the idea that now is the time to do anything that matters, and once I'm old or middle-aged or even just in my early thirties everything is supposed to be......significantly less exciting and much blander. Like there's a time limit on when I can do amazing/exciting/hilarious/ridiculous things. Which is a very silly concept, but man THE FEELING IS SO REAL.

/solidarity hugs