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some random thoughts about body image
I just posted all this on tumblr but I'm putting it here too because this functions much more as my journal so I like to keep thoughts like this archived here. It contains a lot of body image talk, so feel free to skip if you're not interested or if that could trigger you in any way. I'm putting it here for me, but you're welcome to talk if you wish. Whatever works for you!
I really really hate shopping a lot.
I used to be so thin and toothpick-shaped that I could basically wear anything. And I grew up wearing hand-me-downs and not caring about clothes almost at all (there was a year or two during middle school when I wore overalls almost every day—in various colors, even). In college I figured out that I actually liked clothes (if not fashion) and that I REALLY liked dresses.
But then after college my body actually shifted. I’ve always had no shoulders to speak of and a very flat chest. But now I have very wide hips. But thin legs. (And a belly—it’s the only place I gain weight. No weight I gain goes to my chest or even my legs, only my belly. Whatever.) Most of the time I don’t care about what my body looks like: it’s here just to get me from one place to another. But when I’m shopping? It’s hard.
Because I can’t find dresses that look good on me anymore, except for very structured ones that are usually pretty heavy fabric and dressy. So I have a few dresses to wear to work that I look quite nice in. But I want casual dresses to run around town in and to wear when I go out…and none of them look good on me anymore. And finding pants that fit is SO HARD because my legs are so thin but my hips are so wide that by the time I find things that will zip up at the waist they are way baggy on my legs. I can find shirts that look nice, sometimes, though having no shoulders and no chest to fill them out makes that more difficult. It’s just really, really hard to find clothes. (And my sister looks good in everything because she’s so average-weight and proportional.)
I don’t hate my body. The only time I have angst over it is when I go shopping because clothes seem to be made for just one or two body types and if you aren’t that body type, tough. BUT THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT BODY TYPES OUT THERE. I wish everything was made bespoke or something because that way you could suit everything directly to your body. And I sometimes feel bad complaining because I do manage to find enough clothes I don’t hate and also I know how much harder it is if you’re plus-size because the plus-size selection sucks even more than the regular selection.
It’s just terrible walking into the department store and there are thousands and thousands of garments and I don’t like most of them and the ones I do like don’t look right on my body. Add to that just all the people and the exhaustion of lugging things around and putting on clothes and taking them off again, and I haaaaaaaate clothes shopping. Ugh.
I’ve been thinking about that little monologue from Pulp Fiction where Bruce Willis’ French girlfriend (I think she’s French? I’ve only seen it once and it was yeeeeaaars ago) talks about the difference between what we find aesthetically pleasing and what we enjoy tactically—about how pot bellies are lovely to touch but we act like they’re the opposite of sexy. And it’s true—people who are soft, who have a lot of ‘padding’ can be really, really lovely to hug (not that thinner or more muscular people aren’t, but I particularly like hugging someone soft) and touch. But we have defined beauty so narrowly that women are only allowed to have curves in two places (butts and boobs, basically) and everywhere else is supposed to be flat and toned, even though that’s quite a hard thing for most people to attain. It’s so frustrating.
One thing I’ve liked about being in kpop fandom is that female desire is really celebrated (this is going to tie back in, I promise) and that we can talk about small aspects of our favorite idols bodies and how we appreciate them and no one thinks it’s strange. So I can talk about how I love Sungyeol’s untoned belly and how adorable it is and everything and no one thinks that’s strange. I hear a lot of people talking about Sunggyu’s meaty arms and being pleased when he gains weight. I talk with great frequency about loving Sungyeol’s completely flat ass.
And I don’t see that happen much outside of kpop fandom! But it’s cool to celebrate things that are usually ignored or portrayed as negative physically. I just wish we did it more with female idols because it’s just as true about ladies! Celebrating the male idols’ ‘imperfections’ and all the things we’re attracted to that aren’t typically portrayed as attractive is AWESOME. But we need to do a much better job about doing the same with ladies, especially ourselves.
I do really love the way that my belly feels. When I’m alone, I don’t mind how it looks, either. I think it’s soft and lovely and after years of being mostly just skin and bone, finding that softness in my body is nice. It’s only when I interact with other people—mostly when I think about how people will look at me in the clothes I pick out—that I end up disliking it. It’s ENTIRELY about other people’s opinions and that’s sad. I don’t want to internalize that and yet I do. I’m already sensitive to others’ opinions because of my social anxiety. Add to that how harshly we judge each others’ opinions and it’s no wonder I end up judging myself for how I look. I want to figure out a way not to do that.
I also had an issue today at the mall because it felt like every young woman—teens, 20s—that I saw looked exactly the same: white (this mall is in a nicer area of town and there ARE people of color there, but not nearly as many and of course that’s hugely problematic), looong very straight hair, makeup but not ‘too much,’ femme but not really girly. And I don’t fit that besides the white thing. My hair is just past my chin and very curly. I don’t wear makeup almost at all (today I had a bit of lipstick on because my lips have been chapped). I feel like I stand out completely and it makes me feel self-conscious. And I’m a young average-weight white femme woman! I can’t imagine how much harder it is if you’re butch or a woman of color or plus-sized.
My mother sheltered my sister and me from negative media images of women. She didn’t have women’s magazines in the house, we watched VERY little TV that wasn’t on PBS, she never talked about her weight—she basically created this world where we felt pretty but that our prettiness wasn’t the most important thing about us and where we didn’t feel like we had to compare ourselves to other women. And because of that I have a much better self image than most women, as well as a healthier relationship with food (food was NEVER a moral thing, ever). I’m amazed that she did that with us, especially now that I know that she has a lot of self-image problems and struggles with her weight and her relationship to food. I’m so grateful to her for how she protected us.
But I guess because of this I never realized just how narrow the portrayals of appropriate/desirable women are in the media. I was reading books about brainy girls (and yes, they were mostly—though certainly not all—white and straight and cis and everything and I realize that’s a HUUUUUGE problem, but they were still not being judged by their looks but by their character and minds and actions, which is a step up from common media portrayals) and managed to miss it. So now it’s suddenly smacking me in the face and I’m kind of reeling from it and I don’t like it and I want other portrayals of women SO BADLY and I want to go back to having the sort of relationship with my body that was much more positive, but I’m not sure how to do all that.
Anyway. This is some extreme navel(heh)-gazing—sorry about that. Just some random thoughts I’ve been having.
I really really hate shopping a lot.
I used to be so thin and toothpick-shaped that I could basically wear anything. And I grew up wearing hand-me-downs and not caring about clothes almost at all (there was a year or two during middle school when I wore overalls almost every day—in various colors, even). In college I figured out that I actually liked clothes (if not fashion) and that I REALLY liked dresses.
But then after college my body actually shifted. I’ve always had no shoulders to speak of and a very flat chest. But now I have very wide hips. But thin legs. (And a belly—it’s the only place I gain weight. No weight I gain goes to my chest or even my legs, only my belly. Whatever.) Most of the time I don’t care about what my body looks like: it’s here just to get me from one place to another. But when I’m shopping? It’s hard.
Because I can’t find dresses that look good on me anymore, except for very structured ones that are usually pretty heavy fabric and dressy. So I have a few dresses to wear to work that I look quite nice in. But I want casual dresses to run around town in and to wear when I go out…and none of them look good on me anymore. And finding pants that fit is SO HARD because my legs are so thin but my hips are so wide that by the time I find things that will zip up at the waist they are way baggy on my legs. I can find shirts that look nice, sometimes, though having no shoulders and no chest to fill them out makes that more difficult. It’s just really, really hard to find clothes. (And my sister looks good in everything because she’s so average-weight and proportional.)
I don’t hate my body. The only time I have angst over it is when I go shopping because clothes seem to be made for just one or two body types and if you aren’t that body type, tough. BUT THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT BODY TYPES OUT THERE. I wish everything was made bespoke or something because that way you could suit everything directly to your body. And I sometimes feel bad complaining because I do manage to find enough clothes I don’t hate and also I know how much harder it is if you’re plus-size because the plus-size selection sucks even more than the regular selection.
It’s just terrible walking into the department store and there are thousands and thousands of garments and I don’t like most of them and the ones I do like don’t look right on my body. Add to that just all the people and the exhaustion of lugging things around and putting on clothes and taking them off again, and I haaaaaaaate clothes shopping. Ugh.
I’ve been thinking about that little monologue from Pulp Fiction where Bruce Willis’ French girlfriend (I think she’s French? I’ve only seen it once and it was yeeeeaaars ago) talks about the difference between what we find aesthetically pleasing and what we enjoy tactically—about how pot bellies are lovely to touch but we act like they’re the opposite of sexy. And it’s true—people who are soft, who have a lot of ‘padding’ can be really, really lovely to hug (not that thinner or more muscular people aren’t, but I particularly like hugging someone soft) and touch. But we have defined beauty so narrowly that women are only allowed to have curves in two places (butts and boobs, basically) and everywhere else is supposed to be flat and toned, even though that’s quite a hard thing for most people to attain. It’s so frustrating.
One thing I’ve liked about being in kpop fandom is that female desire is really celebrated (this is going to tie back in, I promise) and that we can talk about small aspects of our favorite idols bodies and how we appreciate them and no one thinks it’s strange. So I can talk about how I love Sungyeol’s untoned belly and how adorable it is and everything and no one thinks that’s strange. I hear a lot of people talking about Sunggyu’s meaty arms and being pleased when he gains weight. I talk with great frequency about loving Sungyeol’s completely flat ass.
And I don’t see that happen much outside of kpop fandom! But it’s cool to celebrate things that are usually ignored or portrayed as negative physically. I just wish we did it more with female idols because it’s just as true about ladies! Celebrating the male idols’ ‘imperfections’ and all the things we’re attracted to that aren’t typically portrayed as attractive is AWESOME. But we need to do a much better job about doing the same with ladies, especially ourselves.
I do really love the way that my belly feels. When I’m alone, I don’t mind how it looks, either. I think it’s soft and lovely and after years of being mostly just skin and bone, finding that softness in my body is nice. It’s only when I interact with other people—mostly when I think about how people will look at me in the clothes I pick out—that I end up disliking it. It’s ENTIRELY about other people’s opinions and that’s sad. I don’t want to internalize that and yet I do. I’m already sensitive to others’ opinions because of my social anxiety. Add to that how harshly we judge each others’ opinions and it’s no wonder I end up judging myself for how I look. I want to figure out a way not to do that.
I also had an issue today at the mall because it felt like every young woman—teens, 20s—that I saw looked exactly the same: white (this mall is in a nicer area of town and there ARE people of color there, but not nearly as many and of course that’s hugely problematic), looong very straight hair, makeup but not ‘too much,’ femme but not really girly. And I don’t fit that besides the white thing. My hair is just past my chin and very curly. I don’t wear makeup almost at all (today I had a bit of lipstick on because my lips have been chapped). I feel like I stand out completely and it makes me feel self-conscious. And I’m a young average-weight white femme woman! I can’t imagine how much harder it is if you’re butch or a woman of color or plus-sized.
My mother sheltered my sister and me from negative media images of women. She didn’t have women’s magazines in the house, we watched VERY little TV that wasn’t on PBS, she never talked about her weight—she basically created this world where we felt pretty but that our prettiness wasn’t the most important thing about us and where we didn’t feel like we had to compare ourselves to other women. And because of that I have a much better self image than most women, as well as a healthier relationship with food (food was NEVER a moral thing, ever). I’m amazed that she did that with us, especially now that I know that she has a lot of self-image problems and struggles with her weight and her relationship to food. I’m so grateful to her for how she protected us.
But I guess because of this I never realized just how narrow the portrayals of appropriate/desirable women are in the media. I was reading books about brainy girls (and yes, they were mostly—though certainly not all—white and straight and cis and everything and I realize that’s a HUUUUUGE problem, but they were still not being judged by their looks but by their character and minds and actions, which is a step up from common media portrayals) and managed to miss it. So now it’s suddenly smacking me in the face and I’m kind of reeling from it and I don’t like it and I want other portrayals of women SO BADLY and I want to go back to having the sort of relationship with my body that was much more positive, but I’m not sure how to do all that.
Anyway. This is some extreme navel(heh)-gazing—sorry about that. Just some random thoughts I’ve been having.
no subject
It sounds like you grew up in an amazing family and are doing a great job just trying to live your life in this f'd up society. I feel like I had a pretty similar experience (well, except the for the skinny part - I'm average-weight as well, but I've always been awkwardly curvy, can rarely find clothes that fit well, and hate shopping.)
I am so lucky that I work in a field (ecology) where you can be a woman and wear jeans and t-shirt and no make-up every day and have no professional repercussions. In fact, the few times that I've worn "fancy" clothes (= not a t-shirt) to work, I ended up getting acid holes in them, so now I make it a policy not to.