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this is a very long post about my social anxiety issues
So here's the thing: my social anxiety issues are getting worse with time. I've always been shy around people I don't know (and then talkative when I'm comfortable around people--and as a kid I was super bossy, too, though I've mostly gotten over that), and that's fine. I have also always been an introvert, really relishing alone time and time spent in solo activities (mostly reading as a kid and making up stories in my head, then as I got older there was the internet and writing and TV). But I just don't think that before I hit college age that I had this much difficulty interacting with people. Strangers? Yes, I was always uncomfortable around them. But I really don't think that other kinds of interactions resulted in much anxiety. (Telephone calls aside. I HAVE ALWAYS HATED TALKING ON THE PHONE).
But now it's like with each year that passes I am more and more uncomfortable talking with people in social settings. I'm fine, say, going up and asking for help at a store or talking about work-related things at work. I'm fine with my family and good friends. I'm even fine making telephone calls when I have a set end in mind and once I'm actually talking to the person (the run-up to it is still nerve-wracking for me; I still rehearse things in my head and if needed write them down. And I still order my pizzas online so I don't have to call them in).
Really what I'm discovering is that I'm fine if I'm A) really comfortable around the person or B) in a situation where the dialogue of the conversation has already been "written" because there's a concrete outcome I want to achieve [finding that thing at the store, sharing work information with coworkers, addressing the issue with my bank account, whatever]. It's other kinds of conversations that are so, so hard for me. While I'm glad that I can take care of the practical side of life well enough (I can't imagine how much harder life is if you can't), my social abilities are really lacking.
This makes making new friends really, really hard. Most of my friends moved out of town post-graduation, and I haven't made a new set. I'm mostly okay with this, having my family (immediate and extended), my BFF, and all of my internet friends. But I really like my church and I would like to feel more a part of the community there (both because I just want to and because that's a huge part of my faith--the importance of the church community), but I cannot reach out to people. I can't do it. I've been going to this church for a year now and I haven't made any friends. Back at the end of last year/beginning of this year, there were a few months where once a month some of the single people got together just for dinner. And that was nice--I wasn't close to them or anything, but I liked them all. That sort of tapered off when the warm weather rolled around, and so I haven't seen any of them in a long time. I sometimes think I won't make any new friends in real life ever again. [I know this isn't true, but that's the way it feels.] It's like when I'm talking to someone and the relationship is entirely professional or I won't ever see that person again (cashiers, waiters, co-workers, whatever), I can function fine. But if there's any possibility at all of there being a more social relationship, I just can't handle it.
And on top of that, I dread seeing people I know and talking to them. Today it was a wedding for a girl I grew up with at church, so I was back at my parents' church, and I knew almost everyone there, and I could not wait to leave. They are all lovely people! I genuinely like most of them! But I do not want to talk to them! I avoid it when at all possible, not making eye contact and even pretending not to see people when I really did see them. Because making small-talk is excruciating. I have to remind myself that when someone else asks me how I am, it's polite to ask them back. I often forget and then only remember after an awkward pause. I can't think of things to say, and when I do say things, I end up regretting it later.
And then there's the "What are you up to now?" question, which is really just the bane of my existence. I'm not in any way of ashamed of having a nothing office job. Sure, I'd rather be doing something else, but my parents raised me not to think that I was better than any kind of work. It's honest work and I'm doing it, so I'm fine with it. And with people I'm close to or with strangers, I can talk about it with ease. But when it's someone else, I hate having to answer the question because, inevitably, there's this flash of surprise on their face. And I know why. I was always the smart girl, the one people thought would go really far in life. I have a big brain and my teachers always adored me (though I will say I have always thought that my teachers were much more impressed with me than they should have been; I always felt like I was fleecing them into thinking I'm actually smarter than I am. But that's a different post). They expect me to be doing something Important. I have anxiety about people judging me, and I always worry that they will. [I do not know why people somehow don't ask me if I'm dating anyone, because that would be horrible to answer, too. Somehow they don't ask me that, though--which is strange considering that I live in a place where most people my age are married/getting married--and I am very grateful. Maybe they think it's beyond the realm of possibility? Who knows.]
OH AND THEN. There's this idea of keeping up with people. The BFF and I get together pretty often, but other than that, I never see old friends, really. I've never really been the kind of person people invite to things. That sounds self-pitying, but it's true. I had a pretty active social life in three out of my four years of college (freshman year is better not spoken of, like, ever) because our English department was AMAZING and we were always doing nerdy-people things together. It was fantastic. And I knew those people from my classes, so I had met them in an environment where I was comfortable. Basically the whole thing was tailor-made for me, and the loss of it has been a great blow to me. And I've fallen out of touch with most of those people. Part of this is because of my hatred of phones and the fact that I don't text or really give my number out to many people. Oh, and I don't get on facebook anymore. A big part of this is because I'm just not the kind of person who feels the need to keep up with people--if I don't see you, I don't see you, but we'll pick up exactly where we left off once we do see each other again. But apparently other people don't function that way? It makes me feel really isolated when on the VERY rare occasions I get on facebook and see mutual friends interacting. But I don't know how to reach out.
There is no "reason" I should feel this way, so it frustrates people who love me. They remind me that I'm attractive enough and interesting and smart and eloquent when I'm comfortable. [I know most of my interests are esoteric, but that's always been okay with me.] They remind me that people don't spend nearly as much time thinking about me as my head convinces me that they do (I know this intellectually. It just doesn't help anything). My mama understands, but the rest of my family really doesn't, and so they're always giving me well-meaning advice. Nearly EVERY TIME I interact with someone in front of my sister, she tells me afterwards "You shouldn't say such-and-such" or "You should act this way when you get asked whatever." She really wants to help, but she just DOES NOT UNDERSTAND. And seeing how frustrated she gets makes me feel like she's annoyed or ashamed of me.
But the whole point is that this isn't logical. I know people don't judge me as much as I think they do. I know that they forget about that stupid thing I said pretty fast. I know that just because I assume that everyone just puts up with me because they're too nice not to doesn't mean that that's true. I know all that. But it doesn't change how I feel. It doesn't make any of it easier. My experience with mental health issues has always been dominated by the disconnect between how I feel and what I know to be true intellectually, and never is this more true than when it comes to my social anxiety problems.
It's all really hard, is what I'm saying, and it seems to be getting harder as time passes. And that worries me, because I'm young yet, and the idea that it's just going to keep getting worse makes me flashforward to fifteen years from now and me being unable to leave the house. And while part of me is terrified of that, another part of me thinks it sounds perfectly okay. [Once I confessed to some family members that I didn't think that prison sounded that bad--I could read all day and have other people make my meals, whatever. It was a joke (mostly) but I was cautioned never to tell anyone else that ever again.]
All of this makes me very, very grateful for the people I'm comfortable around--my family, my few good friends, and my wonderful online friends (whose friendships are just as important to me as any in "real life"). I also marvel when I think back on Spuffycon last year--when quite a few of my fandom friends got together and I didn't feel all that uncomfortable almost at all. I can't believe that really happened! (We should do that again.)
I've mostly got my depression under control through the help of medication and a lot of self-awareness. There are still times I have trouble concentrating or whatever, but I've reached the point where it's livable. I can handle it. But I'm beginning to see how powerless I am in the face of my social anxiety issues. And I don't know what to do.
But now it's like with each year that passes I am more and more uncomfortable talking with people in social settings. I'm fine, say, going up and asking for help at a store or talking about work-related things at work. I'm fine with my family and good friends. I'm even fine making telephone calls when I have a set end in mind and once I'm actually talking to the person (the run-up to it is still nerve-wracking for me; I still rehearse things in my head and if needed write them down. And I still order my pizzas online so I don't have to call them in).
Really what I'm discovering is that I'm fine if I'm A) really comfortable around the person or B) in a situation where the dialogue of the conversation has already been "written" because there's a concrete outcome I want to achieve [finding that thing at the store, sharing work information with coworkers, addressing the issue with my bank account, whatever]. It's other kinds of conversations that are so, so hard for me. While I'm glad that I can take care of the practical side of life well enough (I can't imagine how much harder life is if you can't), my social abilities are really lacking.
This makes making new friends really, really hard. Most of my friends moved out of town post-graduation, and I haven't made a new set. I'm mostly okay with this, having my family (immediate and extended), my BFF, and all of my internet friends. But I really like my church and I would like to feel more a part of the community there (both because I just want to and because that's a huge part of my faith--the importance of the church community), but I cannot reach out to people. I can't do it. I've been going to this church for a year now and I haven't made any friends. Back at the end of last year/beginning of this year, there were a few months where once a month some of the single people got together just for dinner. And that was nice--I wasn't close to them or anything, but I liked them all. That sort of tapered off when the warm weather rolled around, and so I haven't seen any of them in a long time. I sometimes think I won't make any new friends in real life ever again. [I know this isn't true, but that's the way it feels.] It's like when I'm talking to someone and the relationship is entirely professional or I won't ever see that person again (cashiers, waiters, co-workers, whatever), I can function fine. But if there's any possibility at all of there being a more social relationship, I just can't handle it.
And on top of that, I dread seeing people I know and talking to them. Today it was a wedding for a girl I grew up with at church, so I was back at my parents' church, and I knew almost everyone there, and I could not wait to leave. They are all lovely people! I genuinely like most of them! But I do not want to talk to them! I avoid it when at all possible, not making eye contact and even pretending not to see people when I really did see them. Because making small-talk is excruciating. I have to remind myself that when someone else asks me how I am, it's polite to ask them back. I often forget and then only remember after an awkward pause. I can't think of things to say, and when I do say things, I end up regretting it later.
And then there's the "What are you up to now?" question, which is really just the bane of my existence. I'm not in any way of ashamed of having a nothing office job. Sure, I'd rather be doing something else, but my parents raised me not to think that I was better than any kind of work. It's honest work and I'm doing it, so I'm fine with it. And with people I'm close to or with strangers, I can talk about it with ease. But when it's someone else, I hate having to answer the question because, inevitably, there's this flash of surprise on their face. And I know why. I was always the smart girl, the one people thought would go really far in life. I have a big brain and my teachers always adored me (though I will say I have always thought that my teachers were much more impressed with me than they should have been; I always felt like I was fleecing them into thinking I'm actually smarter than I am. But that's a different post). They expect me to be doing something Important. I have anxiety about people judging me, and I always worry that they will. [I do not know why people somehow don't ask me if I'm dating anyone, because that would be horrible to answer, too. Somehow they don't ask me that, though--which is strange considering that I live in a place where most people my age are married/getting married--and I am very grateful. Maybe they think it's beyond the realm of possibility? Who knows.]
OH AND THEN. There's this idea of keeping up with people. The BFF and I get together pretty often, but other than that, I never see old friends, really. I've never really been the kind of person people invite to things. That sounds self-pitying, but it's true. I had a pretty active social life in three out of my four years of college (freshman year is better not spoken of, like, ever) because our English department was AMAZING and we were always doing nerdy-people things together. It was fantastic. And I knew those people from my classes, so I had met them in an environment where I was comfortable. Basically the whole thing was tailor-made for me, and the loss of it has been a great blow to me. And I've fallen out of touch with most of those people. Part of this is because of my hatred of phones and the fact that I don't text or really give my number out to many people. Oh, and I don't get on facebook anymore. A big part of this is because I'm just not the kind of person who feels the need to keep up with people--if I don't see you, I don't see you, but we'll pick up exactly where we left off once we do see each other again. But apparently other people don't function that way? It makes me feel really isolated when on the VERY rare occasions I get on facebook and see mutual friends interacting. But I don't know how to reach out.
There is no "reason" I should feel this way, so it frustrates people who love me. They remind me that I'm attractive enough and interesting and smart and eloquent when I'm comfortable. [I know most of my interests are esoteric, but that's always been okay with me.] They remind me that people don't spend nearly as much time thinking about me as my head convinces me that they do (I know this intellectually. It just doesn't help anything). My mama understands, but the rest of my family really doesn't, and so they're always giving me well-meaning advice. Nearly EVERY TIME I interact with someone in front of my sister, she tells me afterwards "You shouldn't say such-and-such" or "You should act this way when you get asked whatever." She really wants to help, but she just DOES NOT UNDERSTAND. And seeing how frustrated she gets makes me feel like she's annoyed or ashamed of me.
But the whole point is that this isn't logical. I know people don't judge me as much as I think they do. I know that they forget about that stupid thing I said pretty fast. I know that just because I assume that everyone just puts up with me because they're too nice not to doesn't mean that that's true. I know all that. But it doesn't change how I feel. It doesn't make any of it easier. My experience with mental health issues has always been dominated by the disconnect between how I feel and what I know to be true intellectually, and never is this more true than when it comes to my social anxiety problems.
It's all really hard, is what I'm saying, and it seems to be getting harder as time passes. And that worries me, because I'm young yet, and the idea that it's just going to keep getting worse makes me flashforward to fifteen years from now and me being unable to leave the house. And while part of me is terrified of that, another part of me thinks it sounds perfectly okay. [Once I confessed to some family members that I didn't think that prison sounded that bad--I could read all day and have other people make my meals, whatever. It was a joke (mostly) but I was cautioned never to tell anyone else that ever again.]
All of this makes me very, very grateful for the people I'm comfortable around--my family, my few good friends, and my wonderful online friends (whose friendships are just as important to me as any in "real life"). I also marvel when I think back on Spuffycon last year--when quite a few of my fandom friends got together and I didn't feel all that uncomfortable almost at all. I can't believe that really happened! (We should do that again.)
I've mostly got my depression under control through the help of medication and a lot of self-awareness. There are still times I have trouble concentrating or whatever, but I've reached the point where it's livable. I can handle it. But I'm beginning to see how powerless I am in the face of my social anxiety issues. And I don't know what to do.
no subject
I sometimes think I won't make any new friends in real life ever again.
WHY ARE YOU ME?!!?
I understand this and... have (somewhat) the opposite feels? If that makes sense. I fall in love with pretty much everyone I meet and have a tendency to force myself onto people with a bizarre intensity I can't even explain... and then it all falls apart. I feel like a dork for being so open and personal with people who probably don't care. And then I get all twisted up in that awkwardness...
Which is related to:
Because making small-talk is excruciating.
My best-gay started FORCING me to make small-talk in the elevator because I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT. When people ask how my day is going: I WILL TELL THEM, usually my entire life story. Which most people don't reciprocate and then I feel awkward and sort of like: Words are important and they are our only means of connecting with people, WHY would I use them so frivolously? ... it's a really hard thing for me to wrap my brain around and leads to me secluding myself for
daysweeks at a time.so they're always giving me well-meaning advice
A good friend of mine basically told me that I flirt with everyone, which made me nervous and awkward. I usually freeze up because I don't want to come on too strong, so I just don't say anything at all.
Boundaries? I don't have them. I'm either all in or all out. I get nervous thinking about seeing/talking to my best friend because I'm sure that she's just putting up with me (though... the reason for that I'm still not clear on)
I know that just because I assume that everyone just puts up with me because they're too nice not to doesn't mean that that's true. I know all that. But it doesn't change how I feel. It doesn't make any of it easier.
SOB. You are IN MY HEAD! ((HUGS))
I think anxiety (any form, but probably esp social anxiety) is so much MORE difficult to deal with - if you are smart enough and self-aware enough to know what's going on. My ex-roomie would get so frustrated - because I could explain to her EXACTLY how I know that my brain interprets things differently, that I KNOW what I feel isn't true... for her Understanding = Feeling. That's. SO NOT how it works.
my wonderful online friends (whose friendships are just as important to me as any in "real life")
IDK how I would have gotten through the past year without my amazing flist.
My therapist put me in two group-therapy sessions this semester and it's difficult explaining to them how connected I am to people who are so far away from me, but right now the amount of time that I spend reaching out to people via lj/phone/facebk ... doesn't help with the very visceral need I have for CUDDLES. Seriously. I am cuddly. (Most people only notice when I'm drinking.) LACK OF PERSONAL BOUNDARIES IS ME.
But I'm beginning to see how powerless I am in the face of my social anxiety issues. And I don't know what to do.
My best-gay made me start out small, he held my hand and guided me through elevator-talk a few times before I was able to do it alone. Maybe also just starting small? A comment on a facebook status once a week. Or a simple text-message to someone from church once a week. It seems bizarre, but this is the way (most) people - esp of this generation - communicate. And! Looking up and smiling at someone you know when in a social situation, sometimes will lead to them coming up to you?
And, you know - most people are more awkward than we give them credit for being. I think it's totally rad that you have diverse interests and say bizarre things in conversations. Pay attention - a lot of people are dorky and respond uncomfortably in conversations. *hugs* It isn't just you - or just me. I think it's about OWNING your own quirky, wonderful self.
I understand how exhausting it is. I wish I could bring over ice-cream and wrap you up in kdramas and love <3333
no subject
YES. This is so true. Especially the part about owning your own weirdness. I KNOW that a great deal of my anxiety stems from this overwhelming fear of judgment. And, honestly, getting to the point where my depression and anxiety actually was killing me has helped me with this. By realizing that I don't have to care what other people's expectations for my behavior are, and that, really, I can't care--because it's going to cause me to recede back into the shell of myself that I was when I was so deeply depressed, I've started to be able to just let go of some of that fear of judgment. I mean, I still fear it, but it's not controlling me quite so much.
no subject
One of the comments below said something about how for every person who is comfortable in social situations, there are three or four who aren't. As someone who looks the part I can say: even those people you THINK are awesomely good at owning their weirdness, struggle. I do great in social situations (most of the time) - I'm considered quite adorable and interesting. But - leading up, during, all of it - I'm an uncomfortable, jittery wreck. I constantly feel like I'm reaching for a connection that no one wants to have with me, and that will lead to some serious anxiety/depression episodes on my part. What I'm trying to say is: sometimes the person you think can't possibly understand what you're feeling is actually in the same place, just better able to hide it in the moment. Sometimes a simple: "I hate things like this, I always feel so awkward" can sometimes be all that other person needs to say, "Me too."
I KNOW that a great deal of my anxiety stems from this overwhelming fear of judgment.
Oh, you lovely, incredible YOU
((hugs))
no subject
YES. And what's weird for me is that on the outside I don't seem to care--I've never been one to cave to peer pressure, and I didn't aspire to be with the "popular" kids in school because I knew I wouldn't have fun with them. And yet. On the inside I'm always cringing, thinking too much about what other people think of me.
I'm so glad you've started to break free from that--I hope I can, too.
no subject
If that makes sense. I fall in love with pretty much everyone I meet and have a tendency to force myself onto people with a bizarre intensity I can't even explain... and then it all falls apart. I feel like a dork for being so open and personal with people who probably don't care. And then I get all twisted up in that awkwardness...
That does make sense! Honestly, we'd probably get along great (I mean if we met in other circumstances because obviously we already get along great), because I need people to pursue me, if that makes sense. I can't do it myself, but I'll sit there wishing so very, very hard that someone would come up and be like, "You know what? We're going to be friends." I need that, but people don't do it for me. So I would make you not feel awkward!
SMALL TALK IS THE WORST LET'S SKIP IT.
I get nervous thinking about seeing/talking to my best friend because I'm sure that she's just putting up with me (though... the reason for that I'm still not clear on)
Oh, me, too. Oh, me, too.
I think anxiety (any form, but probably esp social anxiety) is so much MORE difficult to deal with - if you are smart enough and self-aware enough to know what's going on. My ex-roomie would get so frustrated - because I could explain to her EXACTLY how I know that my brain interprets things differently, that I KNOW what I feel isn't true... for her Understanding = Feeling. That's. SO NOT how it works.
UGH YES YES YES YES.
I also love cuddles! But only with people I'm close to. When I'm comfortable with you (see: my family, mostly), I can never get enough cuddles. I'm always following my daddy and sister around going, "HUG ME HUG ME HUG ME!" because they're not touchy people BUT I NEED HUGS. Fortunately my mama is the best, most generous giver of hugs. But I can honestly say one of the reasons I haven't moved away from my hometown is because I don't know who I'd hug if I weren't within driving distance of my parents. Seriously.
It seems bizarre, but this is the way (most) people - esp of this generation - communicate. And! Looking up and smiling at someone you know when in a social situation, sometimes will lead to them coming up to you?
You are right. It's so weird to me because online for me = deep talk about shared passions. Or flaily talk about shared passions. The idea of doing more small talk via the internet is just weird for me BECAUSE THAT IS NOT WHAT THE INTERNET IS FOR IT'S FOR SKIPPING ALL THAT ROUGH STUFF.
I understand how exhausting it is. I wish I could bring over ice-cream and wrap you up in kdramas and love <3333
I wish you could, too! And I would return the favor! You're the best!
no subject
Ugh. I work so hard sometimes to get anyone to respond to me (3 years I
I worked on this girl in my classes and she doesn't remember me being there/scolded me for flirting with everyone)... Haz made me gun-shy lately. Between that, my ex, losing my friends, and being naturally any... Call me Myungsoo: super needy/clingy, super shy, and usually completely oblivious to the world.
I think the point is that OF COURSE we'd get along! And also that you give me kpop feels always.