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who wants to read my self-indulgent, stream-of-consciousness babble?
Okay, I have recently been thinking about fictional characters I relate to, specifically how differently I relate to them than Elyssa does. Because I was thinking that she has a type and I have a type. She's all about Angel and Harry and Lee Adama. And I'm over here loving the stuffing out of Spike and Ron and Helo/Gaius/Billy/Felix/basically-all-the-other-male-characters. And the obvious difference is that she loves the Heroes and I love the sidekick/shadow character/whatever.
So of course I want to know why. And I have been digging deeply into this today.
And I have come to the conclusion that it is because I am a giant mess, okay?
Let's take Doctor Who, for example, because it is perfect for this discussion. I don't care at all about Rose. Like, I like her fine. But I love Martha Jones. And Donna. (And Amy, but she's more complicated, so we won't go there, and I think it's also significant that I am MAD about Rory.) And Martha is always overshadowed by Rose. She always feels like the spare, and she is always second-best. And she's there, in the background, being a bamf but not getting the credit for it (LET US NOT TALK ABOUT FAMILY OF BLOOD ET. AL. THE TREATMENT OF MARTHA JONES THERE I JUST NOT OKAY, OKAY?). And finally, finally she realizes that she just can't do it anymore. She can't keep taking care of the Doctor emotionally while he doesn't really give her anything back. And so she walks out the door. ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOMENTS IN ALL OF TV, OKAY? PERFECT, PERFECT MOMENT. And she goes out and makes a life for herself and becomes the star of her own story, and I flail with love. And then there's Donna, who everyone writes off as sort of shallow and silly, but who ends up being THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE. She grows so much and becomes so much (and while I am still bitter at Ten, I will always be fond of him because he saw just how amazing she was. He thought she was brilliant AND HE WAS RIGHT). And I think this is why I react so strongly to what happened to her, that I hatehatehahatehatehatehatehatehate that all of that was stolen from her. Stolen from her. I really can't talk about this anymore. I'm gonna shut up about this now.
No segue whatsoever: the single TV quote that I have ever most related to in my life, the one that just sums me up in every single way comes from--surprise?--Caroline Forbes in the pilot of The Vampire Diaries.
This is me. Not romantically, really (although it probably does enter in), but just in life in general. I feel like I'm the one who is always trying so hard and wanting things so bad and is just so open and needy and weak. And other than school, no one seems to pick me. Lil Sis gave me a lecture the other night--while I was sobbing my eyes out--about how I need to be thicker skinned and not so sensitive because life would just be so much easier for me if I weren't so raw about everything and if everything didn't touch/hurt/move me so much (she meant this to be helpful, she said it out of love, so don't get mad at her). And she is so right. Life is so much easier for her, because she just doesn't care about things the way I do. And also she doesn't have mental health issues, but that's another story.
So am I just a big mess of raw emotions and sensitivity and almost pathologically low self-esteem and neediness and openness and everything else? Because it certainly feels that way sometimes. And that's why I relate to the characters I relate to. I relate to the ones you don't expect to be awesome, who don't come with their ready-made Heroic Narrative but just sort of blunder their way into the people they're going to be. Their narratives are always messier and involve more steps back, but I just get them.
So I get Spike, who was a giant loser while he was alive and worked his entire unlife to prove that he wasn't and who no one would ever, ever have expected to go out and fight for his soul and save the world. And I relate to Ron, who is always second-best and who is never as good at things as Harry (effortlessly--seriously that boy is good at so many things and so much better than everyone else and I just throw my hands up in the air) is even though Harry doesn't have to try half as hard as Ron does (and![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
ohwaluvusbab pointed out today that the reason we ship Ron/Hermione so hardcore is because HERMIONE SEES HIM. SHE SEES HIM. NOT AS AN EXTENSION OF HARRY OR HIS FAMILY, BUT HIM, OKAY? I CAN'T OKAY?). I like Caroline, who tries really hard and Bonnie, who is on the outside of things and is only called in when someone needs her skills (and again, this is one of the reasons I ship her with Jeremy, because that boy seems to really be seeing how completely awesome she is, apart from her magic). I love Dawn Summers, who everyone seems to think is just a hanger-on and an annoyance and an extension of Buffy (and do not even get me started on her relationship with Spike and how I BFF-ship them forever because they're weird friendless kids on the outside but they get each other). I like Gunn, who's the Badass Normal and is consistently just used as the muscle (OMG HOW PERFECT IS HIS S5 ARC? SO SO PERFECT AND OBVIOUS THAT THAT'S WHERE HE HAD TO GO). I like Blair Waldorf, who has always felt overshadowed by Serena, who everybody just loves. I adore Sam Seaborn, who never quite feels worthy of anything. I worship Han Solo, okay?
None of this means I don't like the heroes. I like Elena, a ton. I like Harry so very much (though mostly as a member of the Trio, I will admit). I even like Angel a whole lot when he's with the right people. I like Rose just fine. I could go on with this for a while. I almost never dislike the hero. Sometimes I even love them. But I rarely, rarely relate to them. Because I think The Heroes (in the traditional sense) just expect the world to move around them? I don't even know how to explain this, but they are the center of things and they know it. Now, obviously, this usually entails a great deal of responsibility that offsets that effortless talent or power that they have, so I'm not meaning that things are perfect for them or that they don't have struggles, because their lives often do suck. But their struggles, as profound as they are, are not my struggles.
There are a few seeming exceptions, I guess, things I need to talk about. For instance, I am mad about Veronica Mars. But I feel like I relate way more to Logan (Logan is basically Spike 2.0, so this should be a surprise to no one). And then there's Buffy versus Faith. I do not relate to Faith in any way, shape or form. I am way, way too much of the good girl loaded down with inhibitions and a profound belief in duty (yes, I actually do believe in duty, even if I don't talk about it like that very often because that word is just...not used nowadays) to ever see anything of Faith in myself. But I never related to Buffy at all until she ended up being a complete mess in S5 and on. Once she started feeling alone and isolated, depressed and weary, I was like OH I AM THERE. THAT'S MY GIRL. Before that, I was always viewing things from Spike's perspective, and have I ever related to a character the way I do Spike? Well, maybe Annie Sawyer. Who is also not a hero, or at least doesn't see herself that way. She is, in a lot of ways, the emotional support for the other characters. She's all about EMOTIONS and wanting to take care of people and though I'm more selfish than her, I am way, way more like her than anyone else on Being Human.
And I thought of this the other night at my Christmas party when my friends were talking about Harry Potter Houses, and I was like, "Sometimes I think I'm a Hufflepuff." And everyone was all "OH HELLS NO, GIRL, YOU ARE RAVENCLAW." And, like, I am. I get most of my self-worth from my relationship with my brain. I am smart. I was a good student. I am a bookworm. This is who I am and have always been. So, Ravenclaw, obviously. But on that "Tell me what House I'm in" meme a while back, several people said Hufflepuff, and I so see that. Addicted to harmony? Really valuing loyalty? I'm not so much the hard worker (I'm really a lazy bum, y'all. You don't even know), but the other qualities apply to me.
And because of all this, I feel like poor William, sitting there with my heart on my sleeve and begging--no pride at all--"All I ask is that you see me." That's what I want. I want to be seen. And so I love the characters who want to be seen, who are hungry to be seen, who yearn and long for it, but so often aren't. Those are my kids. Always.
So of course I want to know why. And I have been digging deeply into this today.
And I have come to the conclusion that it is because I am a giant mess, okay?
Let's take Doctor Who, for example, because it is perfect for this discussion. I don't care at all about Rose. Like, I like her fine. But I love Martha Jones. And Donna. (And Amy, but she's more complicated, so we won't go there, and I think it's also significant that I am MAD about Rory.) And Martha is always overshadowed by Rose. She always feels like the spare, and she is always second-best. And she's there, in the background, being a bamf but not getting the credit for it (LET US NOT TALK ABOUT FAMILY OF BLOOD ET. AL. THE TREATMENT OF MARTHA JONES THERE I JUST NOT OKAY, OKAY?). And finally, finally she realizes that she just can't do it anymore. She can't keep taking care of the Doctor emotionally while he doesn't really give her anything back. And so she walks out the door. ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOMENTS IN ALL OF TV, OKAY? PERFECT, PERFECT MOMENT. And she goes out and makes a life for herself and becomes the star of her own story, and I flail with love. And then there's Donna, who everyone writes off as sort of shallow and silly, but who ends up being THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN THE UNIVERSE. She grows so much and becomes so much (and while I am still bitter at Ten, I will always be fond of him because he saw just how amazing she was. He thought she was brilliant AND HE WAS RIGHT). And I think this is why I react so strongly to what happened to her, that I hatehatehahatehatehatehatehatehate that all of that was stolen from her. Stolen from her. I really can't talk about this anymore. I'm gonna shut up about this now.
No segue whatsoever: the single TV quote that I have ever most related to in my life, the one that just sums me up in every single way comes from--surprise?--Caroline Forbes in the pilot of The Vampire Diaries.
Why is it that the guys I want, never go for me? I try so hard, maybe because I'm inappropriate and I always say the wrong things and Elena always says the right things. I mean, she doesn't even try and he just picks her!
This is me. Not romantically, really (although it probably does enter in), but just in life in general. I feel like I'm the one who is always trying so hard and wanting things so bad and is just so open and needy and weak. And other than school, no one seems to pick me. Lil Sis gave me a lecture the other night--while I was sobbing my eyes out--about how I need to be thicker skinned and not so sensitive because life would just be so much easier for me if I weren't so raw about everything and if everything didn't touch/hurt/move me so much (she meant this to be helpful, she said it out of love, so don't get mad at her). And she is so right. Life is so much easier for her, because she just doesn't care about things the way I do. And also she doesn't have mental health issues, but that's another story.
So am I just a big mess of raw emotions and sensitivity and almost pathologically low self-esteem and neediness and openness and everything else? Because it certainly feels that way sometimes. And that's why I relate to the characters I relate to. I relate to the ones you don't expect to be awesome, who don't come with their ready-made Heroic Narrative but just sort of blunder their way into the people they're going to be. Their narratives are always messier and involve more steps back, but I just get them.
So I get Spike, who was a giant loser while he was alive and worked his entire unlife to prove that he wasn't and who no one would ever, ever have expected to go out and fight for his soul and save the world. And I relate to Ron, who is always second-best and who is never as good at things as Harry (effortlessly--seriously that boy is good at so many things and so much better than everyone else and I just throw my hands up in the air) is even though Harry doesn't have to try half as hard as Ron does (and
ohwaluvusbab pointed out today that the reason we ship Ron/Hermione so hardcore is because HERMIONE SEES HIM. SHE SEES HIM. NOT AS AN EXTENSION OF HARRY OR HIS FAMILY, BUT HIM, OKAY? I CAN'T OKAY?). I like Caroline, who tries really hard and Bonnie, who is on the outside of things and is only called in when someone needs her skills (and again, this is one of the reasons I ship her with Jeremy, because that boy seems to really be seeing how completely awesome she is, apart from her magic). I love Dawn Summers, who everyone seems to think is just a hanger-on and an annoyance and an extension of Buffy (and do not even get me started on her relationship with Spike and how I BFF-ship them forever because they're weird friendless kids on the outside but they get each other). I like Gunn, who's the Badass Normal and is consistently just used as the muscle (OMG HOW PERFECT IS HIS S5 ARC? SO SO PERFECT AND OBVIOUS THAT THAT'S WHERE HE HAD TO GO). I like Blair Waldorf, who has always felt overshadowed by Serena, who everybody just loves. I adore Sam Seaborn, who never quite feels worthy of anything. I worship Han Solo, okay?None of this means I don't like the heroes. I like Elena, a ton. I like Harry so very much (though mostly as a member of the Trio, I will admit). I even like Angel a whole lot when he's with the right people. I like Rose just fine. I could go on with this for a while. I almost never dislike the hero. Sometimes I even love them. But I rarely, rarely relate to them. Because I think The Heroes (in the traditional sense) just expect the world to move around them? I don't even know how to explain this, but they are the center of things and they know it. Now, obviously, this usually entails a great deal of responsibility that offsets that effortless talent or power that they have, so I'm not meaning that things are perfect for them or that they don't have struggles, because their lives often do suck. But their struggles, as profound as they are, are not my struggles.
There are a few seeming exceptions, I guess, things I need to talk about. For instance, I am mad about Veronica Mars. But I feel like I relate way more to Logan (Logan is basically Spike 2.0, so this should be a surprise to no one). And then there's Buffy versus Faith. I do not relate to Faith in any way, shape or form. I am way, way too much of the good girl loaded down with inhibitions and a profound belief in duty (yes, I actually do believe in duty, even if I don't talk about it like that very often because that word is just...not used nowadays) to ever see anything of Faith in myself. But I never related to Buffy at all until she ended up being a complete mess in S5 and on. Once she started feeling alone and isolated, depressed and weary, I was like OH I AM THERE. THAT'S MY GIRL. Before that, I was always viewing things from Spike's perspective, and have I ever related to a character the way I do Spike? Well, maybe Annie Sawyer. Who is also not a hero, or at least doesn't see herself that way. She is, in a lot of ways, the emotional support for the other characters. She's all about EMOTIONS and wanting to take care of people and though I'm more selfish than her, I am way, way more like her than anyone else on Being Human.
And I thought of this the other night at my Christmas party when my friends were talking about Harry Potter Houses, and I was like, "Sometimes I think I'm a Hufflepuff." And everyone was all "OH HELLS NO, GIRL, YOU ARE RAVENCLAW." And, like, I am. I get most of my self-worth from my relationship with my brain. I am smart. I was a good student. I am a bookworm. This is who I am and have always been. So, Ravenclaw, obviously. But on that "Tell me what House I'm in" meme a while back, several people said Hufflepuff, and I so see that. Addicted to harmony? Really valuing loyalty? I'm not so much the hard worker (I'm really a lazy bum, y'all. You don't even know), but the other qualities apply to me.
And because of all this, I feel like poor William, sitting there with my heart on my sleeve and begging--no pride at all--"All I ask is that you see me." That's what I want. I want to be seen. And so I love the characters who want to be seen, who are hungry to be seen, who yearn and long for it, but so often aren't. Those are my kids. Always.