![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
this is a very long post about my social anxiety issues
So here's the thing: my social anxiety issues are getting worse with time. I've always been shy around people I don't know (and then talkative when I'm comfortable around people--and as a kid I was super bossy, too, though I've mostly gotten over that), and that's fine. I have also always been an introvert, really relishing alone time and time spent in solo activities (mostly reading as a kid and making up stories in my head, then as I got older there was the internet and writing and TV). But I just don't think that before I hit college age that I had this much difficulty interacting with people. Strangers? Yes, I was always uncomfortable around them. But I really don't think that other kinds of interactions resulted in much anxiety. (Telephone calls aside. I HAVE ALWAYS HATED TALKING ON THE PHONE).
But now it's like with each year that passes I am more and more uncomfortable talking with people in social settings. I'm fine, say, going up and asking for help at a store or talking about work-related things at work. I'm fine with my family and good friends. I'm even fine making telephone calls when I have a set end in mind and once I'm actually talking to the person (the run-up to it is still nerve-wracking for me; I still rehearse things in my head and if needed write them down. And I still order my pizzas online so I don't have to call them in).
Really what I'm discovering is that I'm fine if I'm A) really comfortable around the person or B) in a situation where the dialogue of the conversation has already been "written" because there's a concrete outcome I want to achieve [finding that thing at the store, sharing work information with coworkers, addressing the issue with my bank account, whatever]. It's other kinds of conversations that are so, so hard for me. While I'm glad that I can take care of the practical side of life well enough (I can't imagine how much harder life is if you can't), my social abilities are really lacking.
This makes making new friends really, really hard. Most of my friends moved out of town post-graduation, and I haven't made a new set. I'm mostly okay with this, having my family (immediate and extended), my BFF, and all of my internet friends. But I really like my church and I would like to feel more a part of the community there (both because I just want to and because that's a huge part of my faith--the importance of the church community), but I cannot reach out to people. I can't do it. I've been going to this church for a year now and I haven't made any friends. Back at the end of last year/beginning of this year, there were a few months where once a month some of the single people got together just for dinner. And that was nice--I wasn't close to them or anything, but I liked them all. That sort of tapered off when the warm weather rolled around, and so I haven't seen any of them in a long time. I sometimes think I won't make any new friends in real life ever again. [I know this isn't true, but that's the way it feels.] It's like when I'm talking to someone and the relationship is entirely professional or I won't ever see that person again (cashiers, waiters, co-workers, whatever), I can function fine. But if there's any possibility at all of there being a more social relationship, I just can't handle it.
And on top of that, I dread seeing people I know and talking to them. Today it was a wedding for a girl I grew up with at church, so I was back at my parents' church, and I knew almost everyone there, and I could not wait to leave. They are all lovely people! I genuinely like most of them! But I do not want to talk to them! I avoid it when at all possible, not making eye contact and even pretending not to see people when I really did see them. Because making small-talk is excruciating. I have to remind myself that when someone else asks me how I am, it's polite to ask them back. I often forget and then only remember after an awkward pause. I can't think of things to say, and when I do say things, I end up regretting it later.
And then there's the "What are you up to now?" question, which is really just the bane of my existence. I'm not in any way of ashamed of having a nothing office job. Sure, I'd rather be doing something else, but my parents raised me not to think that I was better than any kind of work. It's honest work and I'm doing it, so I'm fine with it. And with people I'm close to or with strangers, I can talk about it with ease. But when it's someone else, I hate having to answer the question because, inevitably, there's this flash of surprise on their face. And I know why. I was always the smart girl, the one people thought would go really far in life. I have a big brain and my teachers always adored me (though I will say I have always thought that my teachers were much more impressed with me than they should have been; I always felt like I was fleecing them into thinking I'm actually smarter than I am. But that's a different post). They expect me to be doing something Important. I have anxiety about people judging me, and I always worry that they will. [I do not know why people somehow don't ask me if I'm dating anyone, because that would be horrible to answer, too. Somehow they don't ask me that, though--which is strange considering that I live in a place where most people my age are married/getting married--and I am very grateful. Maybe they think it's beyond the realm of possibility? Who knows.]
OH AND THEN. There's this idea of keeping up with people. The BFF and I get together pretty often, but other than that, I never see old friends, really. I've never really been the kind of person people invite to things. That sounds self-pitying, but it's true. I had a pretty active social life in three out of my four years of college (freshman year is better not spoken of, like, ever) because our English department was AMAZING and we were always doing nerdy-people things together. It was fantastic. And I knew those people from my classes, so I had met them in an environment where I was comfortable. Basically the whole thing was tailor-made for me, and the loss of it has been a great blow to me. And I've fallen out of touch with most of those people. Part of this is because of my hatred of phones and the fact that I don't text or really give my number out to many people. Oh, and I don't get on facebook anymore. A big part of this is because I'm just not the kind of person who feels the need to keep up with people--if I don't see you, I don't see you, but we'll pick up exactly where we left off once we do see each other again. But apparently other people don't function that way? It makes me feel really isolated when on the VERY rare occasions I get on facebook and see mutual friends interacting. But I don't know how to reach out.
There is no "reason" I should feel this way, so it frustrates people who love me. They remind me that I'm attractive enough and interesting and smart and eloquent when I'm comfortable. [I know most of my interests are esoteric, but that's always been okay with me.] They remind me that people don't spend nearly as much time thinking about me as my head convinces me that they do (I know this intellectually. It just doesn't help anything). My mama understands, but the rest of my family really doesn't, and so they're always giving me well-meaning advice. Nearly EVERY TIME I interact with someone in front of my sister, she tells me afterwards "You shouldn't say such-and-such" or "You should act this way when you get asked whatever." She really wants to help, but she just DOES NOT UNDERSTAND. And seeing how frustrated she gets makes me feel like she's annoyed or ashamed of me.
But the whole point is that this isn't logical. I know people don't judge me as much as I think they do. I know that they forget about that stupid thing I said pretty fast. I know that just because I assume that everyone just puts up with me because they're too nice not to doesn't mean that that's true. I know all that. But it doesn't change how I feel. It doesn't make any of it easier. My experience with mental health issues has always been dominated by the disconnect between how I feel and what I know to be true intellectually, and never is this more true than when it comes to my social anxiety problems.
It's all really hard, is what I'm saying, and it seems to be getting harder as time passes. And that worries me, because I'm young yet, and the idea that it's just going to keep getting worse makes me flashforward to fifteen years from now and me being unable to leave the house. And while part of me is terrified of that, another part of me thinks it sounds perfectly okay. [Once I confessed to some family members that I didn't think that prison sounded that bad--I could read all day and have other people make my meals, whatever. It was a joke (mostly) but I was cautioned never to tell anyone else that ever again.]
All of this makes me very, very grateful for the people I'm comfortable around--my family, my few good friends, and my wonderful online friends (whose friendships are just as important to me as any in "real life"). I also marvel when I think back on Spuffycon last year--when quite a few of my fandom friends got together and I didn't feel all that uncomfortable almost at all. I can't believe that really happened! (We should do that again.)
I've mostly got my depression under control through the help of medication and a lot of self-awareness. There are still times I have trouble concentrating or whatever, but I've reached the point where it's livable. I can handle it. But I'm beginning to see how powerless I am in the face of my social anxiety issues. And I don't know what to do.
But now it's like with each year that passes I am more and more uncomfortable talking with people in social settings. I'm fine, say, going up and asking for help at a store or talking about work-related things at work. I'm fine with my family and good friends. I'm even fine making telephone calls when I have a set end in mind and once I'm actually talking to the person (the run-up to it is still nerve-wracking for me; I still rehearse things in my head and if needed write them down. And I still order my pizzas online so I don't have to call them in).
Really what I'm discovering is that I'm fine if I'm A) really comfortable around the person or B) in a situation where the dialogue of the conversation has already been "written" because there's a concrete outcome I want to achieve [finding that thing at the store, sharing work information with coworkers, addressing the issue with my bank account, whatever]. It's other kinds of conversations that are so, so hard for me. While I'm glad that I can take care of the practical side of life well enough (I can't imagine how much harder life is if you can't), my social abilities are really lacking.
This makes making new friends really, really hard. Most of my friends moved out of town post-graduation, and I haven't made a new set. I'm mostly okay with this, having my family (immediate and extended), my BFF, and all of my internet friends. But I really like my church and I would like to feel more a part of the community there (both because I just want to and because that's a huge part of my faith--the importance of the church community), but I cannot reach out to people. I can't do it. I've been going to this church for a year now and I haven't made any friends. Back at the end of last year/beginning of this year, there were a few months where once a month some of the single people got together just for dinner. And that was nice--I wasn't close to them or anything, but I liked them all. That sort of tapered off when the warm weather rolled around, and so I haven't seen any of them in a long time. I sometimes think I won't make any new friends in real life ever again. [I know this isn't true, but that's the way it feels.] It's like when I'm talking to someone and the relationship is entirely professional or I won't ever see that person again (cashiers, waiters, co-workers, whatever), I can function fine. But if there's any possibility at all of there being a more social relationship, I just can't handle it.
And on top of that, I dread seeing people I know and talking to them. Today it was a wedding for a girl I grew up with at church, so I was back at my parents' church, and I knew almost everyone there, and I could not wait to leave. They are all lovely people! I genuinely like most of them! But I do not want to talk to them! I avoid it when at all possible, not making eye contact and even pretending not to see people when I really did see them. Because making small-talk is excruciating. I have to remind myself that when someone else asks me how I am, it's polite to ask them back. I often forget and then only remember after an awkward pause. I can't think of things to say, and when I do say things, I end up regretting it later.
And then there's the "What are you up to now?" question, which is really just the bane of my existence. I'm not in any way of ashamed of having a nothing office job. Sure, I'd rather be doing something else, but my parents raised me not to think that I was better than any kind of work. It's honest work and I'm doing it, so I'm fine with it. And with people I'm close to or with strangers, I can talk about it with ease. But when it's someone else, I hate having to answer the question because, inevitably, there's this flash of surprise on their face. And I know why. I was always the smart girl, the one people thought would go really far in life. I have a big brain and my teachers always adored me (though I will say I have always thought that my teachers were much more impressed with me than they should have been; I always felt like I was fleecing them into thinking I'm actually smarter than I am. But that's a different post). They expect me to be doing something Important. I have anxiety about people judging me, and I always worry that they will. [I do not know why people somehow don't ask me if I'm dating anyone, because that would be horrible to answer, too. Somehow they don't ask me that, though--which is strange considering that I live in a place where most people my age are married/getting married--and I am very grateful. Maybe they think it's beyond the realm of possibility? Who knows.]
OH AND THEN. There's this idea of keeping up with people. The BFF and I get together pretty often, but other than that, I never see old friends, really. I've never really been the kind of person people invite to things. That sounds self-pitying, but it's true. I had a pretty active social life in three out of my four years of college (freshman year is better not spoken of, like, ever) because our English department was AMAZING and we were always doing nerdy-people things together. It was fantastic. And I knew those people from my classes, so I had met them in an environment where I was comfortable. Basically the whole thing was tailor-made for me, and the loss of it has been a great blow to me. And I've fallen out of touch with most of those people. Part of this is because of my hatred of phones and the fact that I don't text or really give my number out to many people. Oh, and I don't get on facebook anymore. A big part of this is because I'm just not the kind of person who feels the need to keep up with people--if I don't see you, I don't see you, but we'll pick up exactly where we left off once we do see each other again. But apparently other people don't function that way? It makes me feel really isolated when on the VERY rare occasions I get on facebook and see mutual friends interacting. But I don't know how to reach out.
There is no "reason" I should feel this way, so it frustrates people who love me. They remind me that I'm attractive enough and interesting and smart and eloquent when I'm comfortable. [I know most of my interests are esoteric, but that's always been okay with me.] They remind me that people don't spend nearly as much time thinking about me as my head convinces me that they do (I know this intellectually. It just doesn't help anything). My mama understands, but the rest of my family really doesn't, and so they're always giving me well-meaning advice. Nearly EVERY TIME I interact with someone in front of my sister, she tells me afterwards "You shouldn't say such-and-such" or "You should act this way when you get asked whatever." She really wants to help, but she just DOES NOT UNDERSTAND. And seeing how frustrated she gets makes me feel like she's annoyed or ashamed of me.
But the whole point is that this isn't logical. I know people don't judge me as much as I think they do. I know that they forget about that stupid thing I said pretty fast. I know that just because I assume that everyone just puts up with me because they're too nice not to doesn't mean that that's true. I know all that. But it doesn't change how I feel. It doesn't make any of it easier. My experience with mental health issues has always been dominated by the disconnect between how I feel and what I know to be true intellectually, and never is this more true than when it comes to my social anxiety problems.
It's all really hard, is what I'm saying, and it seems to be getting harder as time passes. And that worries me, because I'm young yet, and the idea that it's just going to keep getting worse makes me flashforward to fifteen years from now and me being unable to leave the house. And while part of me is terrified of that, another part of me thinks it sounds perfectly okay. [Once I confessed to some family members that I didn't think that prison sounded that bad--I could read all day and have other people make my meals, whatever. It was a joke (mostly) but I was cautioned never to tell anyone else that ever again.]
All of this makes me very, very grateful for the people I'm comfortable around--my family, my few good friends, and my wonderful online friends (whose friendships are just as important to me as any in "real life"). I also marvel when I think back on Spuffycon last year--when quite a few of my fandom friends got together and I didn't feel all that uncomfortable almost at all. I can't believe that really happened! (We should do that again.)
I've mostly got my depression under control through the help of medication and a lot of self-awareness. There are still times I have trouble concentrating or whatever, but I've reached the point where it's livable. I can handle it. But I'm beginning to see how powerless I am in the face of my social anxiety issues. And I don't know what to do.