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another verse, same as the first (in which I repeat things I’ve said a zillion times)
OMG Y’ALL YOU HAVE TO READ THIS ESSAY.
Okay, does anybody remember SurveyFail? Anybody? If you were following metafandom a couple of years ago, no doubt you do. Two researchers who had nothing to do with the fannish community decided to survey fandom about its kinks, pretty much. In doing so, they revealed ALL KINDS OF FAIL. Fandom went crazy—in the amazing, snarky, intelligent way that we tend to do when outsiders are trying to pain a particular picture of us that has nothing to do with reality. [eta: Here's the FanLore entry, in case you want to do some digging. ]
Anyway, we kind of kicked them out? Or so I thought. Apparently they JUST PUBLISHED A BOOK which is full of still more fail. And a brilliant![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
anivad has written an excellent, excellent critique of their both their methods and the ways in which the kyriarchy silences those it sees as Other.
One of my favorite parts of the essay is whereanivad talks about the way in which the internet can be used as an equalizer, as a way of the voiceless being able to speak. When the mainstream media, owned by huge conglomerates mostly headed by white guys, refuses to let the oppressed speak, the internet gives us a voice and at least the potential to be heard (admittedly, most of us aren’t heard beyond communities of like-minded people, but the potential is there. By the way, did I mention that you should all go read this essay about livejournal in Russia? Because it opened my eyes to so many things. GO READ NOW).
And all of this just reminds me—AGAIN—of how dismissing internet relationships is just another way to silence people. I was thinking specifically of those of us who have anxiety struggles or other mental health problems. One of the hardest parts of my depression/social anxiety disorder is that way it makes me feel alienated. I don’t want to go out and be around people—it’s too tiring, too awkward, too draining. But, like most people, I still want relationships. I still want to connect to people.
And the internet lets me do this. I connect with people like me, I have conversations with people who are passionate about the same things I am, I build relationships with people I would never had a chance to be with otherwise. My sister jokingly says that my family and the internet is my social life, and you know what? These last few years, while my emotional problems and life situation have made me spend so much time at home, it’s true. And it’s not a bad thing. I hatehatehatehatehate this cultural conception of people who have friends on the internet as stinky losers sitting in their mom’s basement, unable to make friends in real life. It’s so not true of most of us, and even if it is, so what? I know some people whose moms have quite comfortable basements.
The internet is amazing. It’s been a lifesaver for me, and for so many other people. Obviously, as a tool, it can be used for destructive purposes as well (from hate groups organizing to child predators to leaked sex tapes/naked photos). But it can be used for beautiful things. It can let my social anxiety-riddled self connect to other people. It can let people who feel very, very alone and alienated find people who are like them, who share interests or struggles or perspectives. Geography is no obstacle. The boundaries of distance are melting away before our eyes.
And when people dismiss internet-formed friendships or mock them or ignore them or stigmatize them, what they’re really doing is marginalizing us. The ones of us who aren’t neurotypical. The ones of us who are different or Othered. The ones of us who are voiceless.
And look—I’m a privileged person. I’m a white, straight, thin, Christian, middle class white girl from America. I have nearly every single kind of privilege imaginable. The only two areas in which I suffer oppression—my gender and my mental illness—do render me voiceless and marginalized in some areas, but there are far more areas in which I belong to the oppressing group. And if the internet and the communities we form are so important to me with all of my privilege and with my relatively easy life, I can’t imagine how life-saving, life-affirming, life-giving it might be to someone whose very identity comes under fire even more often and with even more violence than mine does.
Anyway, all this to say: the internet is a beautiful tool. My mama often compares my “friends in the computer” to relationships that a lot of literary figures used to maintain via mail and written letters. It really is similar…except that it’s even more convenient, because it can be instantaneous if you want it to (or not, if you don’t want it to—one of the things I love about the internet is that I can literally turn off the conversation and walk away if I need to!) and the conversation can involve as many or as few people as you want it to. That is truly amazing.
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And as a little aside, I went back on whedonesque yesterday. *sigh* Yes, I did. I just wanted to see what people were saying about that super weird interview with Jane Espenson and Georges Jeanty (um, Jane, I love you. Madly. Passionately. BUT PEOPLE QUESTION BUFFY'S AUTHORITY ALL THE TIIIME). Instead I ended up reading a bunch of people poo-pooing the idea of trigger warnings with the argument of “Well, if someone gets assaulted in a Laundromat, then seeing a washing machine might trigger them, and I can’t know that, so obviously I can’t warn for everything, so I shouldn’t have to warn for ANYTHING!” Which is the biggest bunch of hogwash I’ve heard in a while and made me roll my eyes majorly. I wrote up a big long reply and felt much better. I didn’t post it because I didn’t want to get sucked back into that vortex, but it made me feel better to type it. And the whole thing reminded me of why I stay in the spaces I do on the internet. Oh, beautiful flist, I love you.
Okay, does anybody remember SurveyFail? Anybody? If you were following metafandom a couple of years ago, no doubt you do. Two researchers who had nothing to do with the fannish community decided to survey fandom about its kinks, pretty much. In doing so, they revealed ALL KINDS OF FAIL. Fandom went crazy—in the amazing, snarky, intelligent way that we tend to do when outsiders are trying to pain a particular picture of us that has nothing to do with reality. [eta: Here's the FanLore entry, in case you want to do some digging. ]
Anyway, we kind of kicked them out? Or so I thought. Apparently they JUST PUBLISHED A BOOK which is full of still more fail. And a brilliant
anivad has written an excellent, excellent critique of their both their methods and the ways in which the kyriarchy silences those it sees as Other.One of my favorite parts of the essay is where
anivad talks about the way in which the internet can be used as an equalizer, as a way of the voiceless being able to speak. When the mainstream media, owned by huge conglomerates mostly headed by white guys, refuses to let the oppressed speak, the internet gives us a voice and at least the potential to be heard (admittedly, most of us aren’t heard beyond communities of like-minded people, but the potential is there. By the way, did I mention that you should all go read this essay about livejournal in Russia? Because it opened my eyes to so many things. GO READ NOW).And all of this just reminds me—AGAIN—of how dismissing internet relationships is just another way to silence people. I was thinking specifically of those of us who have anxiety struggles or other mental health problems. One of the hardest parts of my depression/social anxiety disorder is that way it makes me feel alienated. I don’t want to go out and be around people—it’s too tiring, too awkward, too draining. But, like most people, I still want relationships. I still want to connect to people.
And the internet lets me do this. I connect with people like me, I have conversations with people who are passionate about the same things I am, I build relationships with people I would never had a chance to be with otherwise. My sister jokingly says that my family and the internet is my social life, and you know what? These last few years, while my emotional problems and life situation have made me spend so much time at home, it’s true. And it’s not a bad thing. I hatehatehatehatehate this cultural conception of people who have friends on the internet as stinky losers sitting in their mom’s basement, unable to make friends in real life. It’s so not true of most of us, and even if it is, so what? I know some people whose moms have quite comfortable basements.
The internet is amazing. It’s been a lifesaver for me, and for so many other people. Obviously, as a tool, it can be used for destructive purposes as well (from hate groups organizing to child predators to leaked sex tapes/naked photos). But it can be used for beautiful things. It can let my social anxiety-riddled self connect to other people. It can let people who feel very, very alone and alienated find people who are like them, who share interests or struggles or perspectives. Geography is no obstacle. The boundaries of distance are melting away before our eyes.
And when people dismiss internet-formed friendships or mock them or ignore them or stigmatize them, what they’re really doing is marginalizing us. The ones of us who aren’t neurotypical. The ones of us who are different or Othered. The ones of us who are voiceless.
And look—I’m a privileged person. I’m a white, straight, thin, Christian, middle class white girl from America. I have nearly every single kind of privilege imaginable. The only two areas in which I suffer oppression—my gender and my mental illness—do render me voiceless and marginalized in some areas, but there are far more areas in which I belong to the oppressing group. And if the internet and the communities we form are so important to me with all of my privilege and with my relatively easy life, I can’t imagine how life-saving, life-affirming, life-giving it might be to someone whose very identity comes under fire even more often and with even more violence than mine does.
Anyway, all this to say: the internet is a beautiful tool. My mama often compares my “friends in the computer” to relationships that a lot of literary figures used to maintain via mail and written letters. It really is similar…except that it’s even more convenient, because it can be instantaneous if you want it to (or not, if you don’t want it to—one of the things I love about the internet is that I can literally turn off the conversation and walk away if I need to!) and the conversation can involve as many or as few people as you want it to. That is truly amazing.
--
And as a little aside, I went back on whedonesque yesterday. *sigh* Yes, I did. I just wanted to see what people were saying about that super weird interview with Jane Espenson and Georges Jeanty (um, Jane, I love you. Madly. Passionately. BUT PEOPLE QUESTION BUFFY'S AUTHORITY ALL THE TIIIME). Instead I ended up reading a bunch of people poo-pooing the idea of trigger warnings with the argument of “Well, if someone gets assaulted in a Laundromat, then seeing a washing machine might trigger them, and I can’t know that, so obviously I can’t warn for everything, so I shouldn’t have to warn for ANYTHING!” Which is the biggest bunch of hogwash I’ve heard in a while and made me roll my eyes majorly. I wrote up a big long reply and felt much better. I didn’t post it because I didn’t want to get sucked back into that vortex, but it made me feel better to type it. And the whole thing reminded me of why I stay in the spaces I do on the internet. Oh, beautiful flist, I love you.
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It's not just the people and the friendships and fandom... You talk about privilege and it's not a concept I'd be familiar with if it wasn't for my online life. The sheer amount of education you get from this place is amazing. Pretty much everything I know about feminism and racism and ableism & LGTB rights (etc etc) I've learned from LJ/fandom. And that in turn (hopefully) helps me deal with the wider world in a more sensitive way & lets me teach my daughters to be aware of all the issues too.
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Oh, you're so right! I didn't even mention that, but I've learned so much about social justice because of the internet that I honestly can say I wouldn't have learned otherwise. I'm really glad you brought that up--and your daughters are going to be amazing women, I know it.
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Sometimes I think I wouldn't have developed an AD to begin with if I had a full-time internet connection my whole life, or at least since I started school. If I'd had the luxury of being able to pick my friends carefully instead of hanging out with people who turned out to be either assholes or just not the kind of people I can share things with.
There was a girl who lived on the same street with me and we used to go horse-riding together. She was totally condescending and treated me horribly most of the time. When I got my internet connection around Christmas 2002, I simply stopped answering her calls and soon met the first person who truly loved and understood me. The internet and the world of the arts is actually a huge help in dropping bad habits.
And friendlist loves you back <3 :)
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Aww! ♥
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I just had a week with some friends and friends of friends--where I had no escape. And I thought I was gonna lose it. It was especially hard when I was sober, and other people were drunk and they were trying to tell me how much they UNDERSTOOD me--and yet... they didn't. They were talking around the depression and anxiety as if it were something I could *conquer*--like, "Buck up little, soldier! The sun will come out tomorrow!" And the lack of understanding was so profound that it made me laugh. Like, I couldn't even respond, because what's the point? They were drunk, and they couldn't hear me anyway.
But, the whole thing really has underscored for me how valuable the internet is to me--I think I'd started to take for granted feeling accepted and understood because of the people here. ♥
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I think one of the things I want to fight for, for the rest of my life, is to change people's understanding of mental illness, specifically depression/anxiety. Make them see that it's chemical/physical just as other diseases are. That it's not a moral failing or a weakness or something you can kick with a positive attitude. Because that belief does so much harm to people. It really does.
♥
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It's fascinating that there are relationships (real, passionate, life-altering ones) built from nothing but words. I suppooooose I see how that could make them seem less real to some (the "but you can't share ice cream" objection), but for people who are drawn to words, they're obviously just as real.
Actually, in my opinion, they can be more real in some ways - they are mostly free of convention, they are mostly voluntary (rather than acquaintances-by-circumstance hanging out), and online friendships only work if both parties put conscious time and effort into it, so it's more of a choice than a random "meh, I don't dislike you".
In conclusion, squee internet friendship.
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But seriously--I agree very much with your comment. I know that communicating via words allows me to sort of strip away all the awkwardness that accompanies "real-life" interactions and reveal more of who I truly am and less of who social anxiety makes me, if that makes sense. I absolutely know that a lot of my online friends know me better than a lot of people I interact with in real life, because they know the things that matter to me.
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Thank you for writing this!
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I think what was so powerful about that paper was how clearly it articulated the divide. And my heart hurts.
♥ ♥ ♥
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yes yes yes
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I think what was so powerful about that paper was how clearly it articulated the divide.
Definitely.
If I weren't at work, I'd use my Buffy-hugs-puffy-Xander gif. Imagine that it's here.
♥
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I think I'd started to take for granted feeling accepted and understood because of the people here. ♥
It can almost feel shocking how different the cultures are, you know. I've tried having conversations of this depth with people face-to-face and it just... doesn't work. (Well, it does with my dad, but I've always been able to talk with him like that.)
I shared this with Max a few weeks ago, but I had this encounter with a friend where we were talking about guys and she was encouraging me to be interested in this guy and I... just wasn't. And I explained how when I tried to talk to him, there was just nothing there, and I didn't know how to relate to him at all. And my friend basically told me that's because most people don't think about things the way I do (and I'm not even sure that's true, per se), but it does feel at times like many people I encounter aren't ~thoughtful~. And I don't mean that in the sense that people aren't considerate/polite, but that it seems like many people don't like to just think. To sit and ponder something, turning it around in their own minds until they've finally reached a place where they understand it.
I feel like so much judgment in the world is just a perpetuation of stereotypes and prejudice. It's so lacking in thought.
And when I compare this to my relationships online, I'm just really grateful to know people who are truly considerate and thoughtful.
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My mama often compares my “friends in the computer” to relationships that a lot of literary figures used to maintain via mail and written letters
I never thought of it this way but it is absolutely true.
EDIT: okay I made the mistake of reading the Whedonesque thread. JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH, how fucking self-centered do people have to be, to consider the knowledge that someone somewhere may privately choose to enjoy entertainment without being triggered is CENSORSHIP. This is not anyone being arrested, this is not the MPAA distorting the market. But no, the knowledge that someone somewhere may be marginally less miserable IS AN IMPINGEMENT ON OUR FREEDOMS!!! FREEDOM!!!
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Like I said, beautiful post. <3
My online life is 'real', too.
And my online friends have been such a joy and a source of fun, knowledge, inspiration, understanding..... So many things. I am not good at socialising and I do not make friends easily. But online, so many of my hang-ups don't matter. Who here cares about the way I look or dress or what car I drive or the fact that I have 'failed' to have kids or any of the other ridiculous things that people seem to find so important?
As for fandom, well, some of the most intelligent, interesting, insightful conversations I have had have been connected to an online fandom. And it has brought me into contact with such amazingly wise and talented people. I have learnt more from them in a short time than I have from a lot of the people I have actually met. Last weekend I was on the boards for a tv show, and I laughed like a drain all day over a funny, outrageous and silly thread about an actor we adore. The next day, I was on a thread talking about tv tropes and how the classic notion of the hero's journey in literature translates into the medium of tv. Fandom is not just about being fangirly or superficial. Though that has its place. It can be anything you want, and I wish I knew more people in 'real' life who were so smart and well-read, and willing to talk about something meaningful. I am not sure I want to read someone's ignorant dissection of fandomfail. Why do people get so worked up about online life?
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It’s so not true of most of us, and even if it is, so what? I know some people whose moms have quite comfortable basements.
hahahaha preach.
Well, if someone gets assaulted in a Laundromat, then seeing a washing machine might trigger them, and I can’t know that, so obviously I can’t warn for everything, so I shouldn’t have to warn for ANYTHING!”
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That article about the DDOS opened my eyes - I really had no idea about Russian LJ and now I'm humbled to be a part of a journal platform that gives voice to so many.
My friends online are really important to me. I will never let anybody denigrate the relationships I've formed through the 'puter. Not in a million. You articulate all of it so well. Thank you.