I'm no Xander fan, as I think I've made clear; however, I do see a difference between his insults to Cordelia and those to Anya. Cordelia pretty much gave as good as she got. She was no doormat and dished out no end of insults herself. Anya was a different story. She was constantly trod upon, hurt, and really didn't understand why, nor did she return his insults in kind. I think his lack of respect for women was an off-shoot of his lack of self-respect, and that I understand.