Yeah. I know at least for me, my problem with fiction comes most into play when nasty things are dismissed somehow - either by by simply being disappeared without explanation for it, or by being constantly trivialized - or valorized some way or another. And by that rubric, Xander generally works fine as a construct - because the show doesn't falsely pretend he wouldn't have those issues, is called out for them with believable frequency (that is, it happens, but not often), and he does not get Macho Macho Man credit for them (and in fact his pursuit of that kind of masculinity is overtly critiqued, which so rarely happens). When a story falls into those traps, I do tend to have philosophical issues with the writing. I think you've put it very well that he's a necessary character.

So the question of liking him or not is less of an issue for me, I think. And generally, I care a lot less if I like characters than if I believe and understand them. But I do give the show a fair amount of credit for showing Xander as someone who eventually grows out of it, more or less. I acknowledge, though, that's a bit dicey, because not everyone is going to see the long-arc, most casual viewers are just going to pick up on the nasty attitudes which are in line with the nasty attitudes we're all conditioned to expect and accept. I really don't know.