This and the next line utterly killed me. Dean can handle monsters and spirits and being cut on and messed around but he can't, just simply can't handle that break between his father and his brother. He can't handle the way their family doesn't fit. That he's more than willing to get himself hurt to fix it, that's such a Dean mentality. You really get inside his head and it hurts to read because you're watching Dean from the inside out. I think that's so important and isn't often said, about the family not fitting. John and Sam are so different that they need someone to help them understand each other. If Mary had lived, she would have been that for them, and I don't think it would have been too much for her. But John raises Dean one way, not to be all of these things that we could both name, but then he forces Dean into a role that goes exactly against the way he's been raised to be. It does hurt. So much.
That is exactly it. Dean would take the blame upon himself, that he didn't do his job he didn't show Sammy, he wasn't there to be the buffer, to organise a compromise. And that would have killed Dean. You totally got that and it makes it so hurtful to read because, as I said above, you are watching these boys. You're watching Dean tear himself apart with guilt. That is exactly the thing that hurts so much. It isn't his fault, not in the way any normal person would view it. Any normal person would offer him mercy, say, "You've done this for twenty-two years, it's okay to slip up just this once." But he can't give that grace to himself. Because I feel like he would have spent those twenty-two years thinking "If I mess up even once...." and then he does, and all of his nightmares come true. And I think he would take that as confirmation that his view of things was right all along.
I loved this because it is so Dean, the attempt to make it better, to shrug it off and get on with life when he knows, he knows that Sam's gone anyway, regardless of what he does or says or begs or breaks or bleeds. That's exactly the thing. And I can't blame Sam, not really, but I feel like Dean gives and gives and gives of himself, but there's no one out there pouring back into him as much as he gives. I've no doubts at all that Sam would do just about anything for Dean--die or sell his soul--and John obviously felt that way, but they didn't live the day-to-day sacrifices the way Dean did and continues to do. For Dean, it's every single day. And there isn't anyone filling him up again as he empties himself for his family.
It's so true because they say with their actions rather than words how much they mean to each other. I loved the way you put it because it was this kind of sad funny statment because it's so absurd but so true to their situation I love that about them. I remember reading in one story (I can't remember which; I'll have to go back and find it) that they're always doing the opposite of what they say. Calling each other names and threatening to do this and that, when they're never actually going to. Their words and their actions are so disconnected. That's just who they are. Even Sam, the emotional, chick-flick moment one, does the same thing. Was that a coherent thought?
god why do you delight in hurting Dean so much. You have an illness I tell you! But this was beautiful and heartbreaking and awesome in everyway. So keep being ill. If Dean needs to be broken, you're the one to do it. *wails* I don't know what's wrong with me! I mean, I do this to Dean and I do it to Logan and Cassidy and Ron...Lord help Matt Saracen (from FNL) if I ever get around to him, because his life's even rougher than Dean's, if that's possible.
I think it's because, with all these boys, their strength, their beauty, themselves comes out the most clearly when they've been broken. Because they're always stronger than what happens to them. It may not seem that way, but they are. They get back up. Always. I love that.
And I'm very flattered that you trust me with the breaking of Dean. Coming from you that means a lot.
Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou for your wonderful, insightful thoughts.
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I think that's so important and isn't often said, about the family not fitting. John and Sam are so different that they need someone to help them understand each other. If Mary had lived, she would have been that for them, and I don't think it would have been too much for her. But John raises Dean one way, not to be all of these things that we could both name, but then he forces Dean into a role that goes exactly against the way he's been raised to be. It does hurt. So much.
That is exactly it. Dean would take the blame upon himself, that he didn't do his job he didn't show Sammy, he wasn't there to be the buffer, to organise a compromise. And that would have killed Dean. You totally got that and it makes it so hurtful to read because, as I said above, you are watching these boys. You're watching Dean tear himself apart with guilt.
That is exactly the thing that hurts so much. It isn't his fault, not in the way any normal person would view it. Any normal person would offer him mercy, say, "You've done this for twenty-two years, it's okay to slip up just this once." But he can't give that grace to himself. Because I feel like he would have spent those twenty-two years thinking "If I mess up even once...." and then he does, and all of his nightmares come true. And I think he would take that as confirmation that his view of things was right all along.
I loved this because it is so Dean, the attempt to make it better, to shrug it off and get on with life when he knows, he knows that Sam's gone anyway, regardless of what he does or says or begs or breaks or bleeds.
That's exactly the thing. And I can't blame Sam, not really, but I feel like Dean gives and gives and gives of himself, but there's no one out there pouring back into him as much as he gives. I've no doubts at all that Sam would do just about anything for Dean--die or sell his soul--and John obviously felt that way, but they didn't live the day-to-day sacrifices the way Dean did and continues to do. For Dean, it's every single day. And there isn't anyone filling him up again as he empties himself for his family.
It's so true because they say with their actions rather than words how much they mean to each other. I loved the way you put it because it was this kind of sad funny statment because it's so absurd but so true to their situation
I love that about them. I remember reading in one story (I can't remember which; I'll have to go back and find it) that they're always doing the opposite of what they say. Calling each other names and threatening to do this and that, when they're never actually going to. Their words and their actions are so disconnected. That's just who they are. Even Sam, the emotional, chick-flick moment one, does the same thing. Was that a coherent thought?
god why do you delight in hurting Dean so much. You have an illness I tell you! But this was beautiful and heartbreaking and awesome in everyway. So keep being ill. If Dean needs to be broken, you're the one to do it. *wails* I don't know what's wrong with me! I mean, I do this to Dean and I do it to Logan and Cassidy and Ron...Lord help Matt Saracen (from FNL) if I ever get around to him, because his life's even rougher than Dean's, if that's possible.
I think it's because, with all these boys, their strength, their beauty, themselves comes out the most clearly when they've been broken. Because they're always stronger than what happens to them. It may not seem that way, but they are. They get back up. Always. I love that.
And I'm very flattered that you trust me with the breaking of Dean. Coming from you that means a lot.
Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou for your wonderful, insightful thoughts.