Sometimes, during one of their late-night phone calls, Michelle will talk a little too much about how she misses Tony (there are oceans and continents out there, lightyears of empty space, and Britain's such a small island, but sometimes the distance between Cardiff and York seems like the greatest in the universe), and Jal will explode with, "Why, 'Chelle? After everything--why do you keep holding onto him?"

Jal's her best friend, but Michelle will never be able to explain it to her, not when what she had with Chris was so pure (Michelle would never really have thought of anything associated with Chris being pure, but she's found with the power of hindsight, that he was about as pure of a soul as they come), and she's given up on trying.

Because she'll never be able to verbalize that way that Tony has of pulling you in (like a spider at the center of a web, like a black hole sucking in anything that comes near), of dragging you along with him until you can no longer see the lines where he begins and you end (Sid is probably the only one who will ever be able to understand--just like Effy's the only one who's ever been able to love him without losing herself--and sometimes Michelle thinks that it's that understanding that made them cling to each other in all the wrong ways when they thought they'd lost Cassie and Tony himself for good), and she can't tell whether it's right or wrong anymore: all she knows that it is what it is, and she could no sooner give up on Tony than she could on herself.