lirazel: ([vm] tangerine (reflection from a dream))
[personal profile] lirazel
i have hit the point of "screw it, i'll just post it" with this fic, so here it is. also i felt strangely dirty writing this idk.

Title: kiss me like they do on the emergency broadcast system
Fandom: Kpop: Infinite
Characters/Pairings: Sungyeol/Woohyun
Rating: NC-17
A/N: I have been obsessed with this fic for years, and while I LOVE the way it ends, I guess the Wooyeol shipper in me wanted more in this verse, so here is a(n authorized, since the writer seems to have left fandom and I can't get in touch) sequel to someone else's fic.
Summary: It's too late: they've both already fallen, and now it's just a matter of facing it.

--

Back in his own clothes, and they feel restrictive—unfamiliar, almost irritating, like the tags he yanks out of the collars of his shirts, only all over, rubbing away at him till he wants to come out of his skin. Not that taking the clothes off again would help anything; if anything, it would only make him feel worse: exposed is worse than restricted. But he’s still too aware of his body, of its thereness under his clothes, insistent in its reality, and no matter what he imagines putting on—sliding into his latest stage clothes or his most comfortable worn pajamas—he is all too much aware of himself, of the plane of his chest, of the narrowness of hips and the largeness of his hands and feet and the width of his shoulders. Of his dick.

It’s not hard anymore (and he isn’t sure which idea he hates more: himself hard after making out with Woohyun in a bathroom after tilting his head back and rolling his hips and practically begging for Woohyun to touch him or now shriveled up in misery that skirts the edges of humiliation), but he’s still aware of it in a way he usually isn’t when he isn’t turned on, aware of it tucked into his briefs, swaddled by his jeans. It’s not that he wants it not to be there, and he definitely doesn’t want something else to be there instead, but he can’t stop thinking about it, about how it had felt under the slinkiness of the dress he’d just shed. About how close Woohyun’s fingers had been to it as they slid up his thighs. About how he could still feel the little calluses on Woohyun’s fingers even after Woohyun pulled back and disappeared. About how he’d slipped his hand into his underwear and about Woohyun saying his name on the other side of the stall door and about how Woohyun had known just exactly what he was doing and about how Woohyun’s hand—broader, blunter, rougher than Sungyeol’s—had closed tight around the handle of Sungyeol’s backpack.

He doesn’t look at Woohyun as Infinite and its entourage stream out of the building into the sticky summer heat and the sound of fans shouting their names. He stops himself from drooping his shoulders but keeps his eyes on the reflection of the orange streetlight on the top of their van, trying to look merely tired and not lost. The fans are used to tired. Sungyeol is used to tired.

But then over the general clamor, a girl’s voice cuts over to him: Yeolna-unnie! and his flinch is so violent he almost trips. He’s sucking in air in painful gasps and hasn’t even realized he’s come to a stop, but then there’s the brush of a hand on the small of his back, and even through the cotton of his t-shirt, he knows it’s Woohyun, and he jerks forward again, hoping it looks like he’s just been reminded to start walking and not that he’s trying to get away from Woohyun’s hand. His own hands close around the dangling straps from his backpack, his nails—a little longer than he usually keeps them and if he looked at them, he’d see the strip of white French tips across each one, and fuck, he wishes he could scrub that polish off right now or something—digging into his damp palms. The fans are still screaming and in his hurry Sungyeol bumps right into Sunggyu’s back, but the leader doesn’t even spare a backwards glance at him, just climbs into the van as soon as Sungjong’s inside. Sungyeol feels warmth against his back—almost touching, but not quite—and again knows exactly who it belongs to, and so he throws himself into the van, climbing to the back seat and then, with the nearness of Woohyun behind him scratching over his neck and shoulders, over Sungjong’s legs.

“Hyung, I’m sitting by the window, are you—”

But Sungyeol ignores him, using his own legs to push at Sungjong’s, and Sungjong lets out an annoyed sigh and slides over so that Sungyeol can cram himself in between Sungjong’s bony elbow and the window.

“Why can’t you just sit where there’s an open seat?” Sungjong demands, but he stops abruptly when the seat shifts and Woohyun sits down on his other side. Sungyeol is studiously pulling out his seatbelt, buckling in, but he knows that Sungjong is looking at Woohyun, that Sungjong is reading the tension in Sungyeol’s shoulders. He doesn’t say anything after that, not the whole way home, and Sungyeol doesn’t either. And neither does Woohyun, but Sungyeol is no less aware of him than when he was touching him earlier; Sungjong might as well not be between them at all. Sungyeol could swear he hears Woohyun’s breathing, even if Jungryoul has the stereo on quietly and Dongwoo is snoring and Myungsoo and Hoya are talking and there’s no way in hell Sungyeol can hear anyone’s breathing, not even his own. Except he does.

He tries to focus on Sungjong next to him, Sungjong who’s as much his little brother as Daeyeol is, but suddenly the memory of Sungjong’s first solo stage flashes through his mind, of Sungjong in a dress without any padding, a dress that clung to him and revealed his natural S-line, his hair pushed back from his face with no wig in sight, the makeup that was meant to enhance instead of transform. Sungjong had strutted and smoldered and there was nothing funny about that performance, nothing childish and cute like when he did Orange Caramel dances or sang along too loud to “Bubble Pop.” That performance had been serious, sharp, and Sungyeol thinks it’s probably the most memorable thing any member of Infinite has ever done and how? How had Sungjong been so comfortable? He wasn’t playing dress up, he wasn’t wanting to make people laugh. He wanted to make them grovel and they did, and he wasn’t a-guy-dressed-up-as-a-girl, he was Lee Sungjong who just so happened to be wearing a dress and swinging his body around like Park Jiyoon.

Sungyeol’s performance today had been different. The audience had roared and laughed and that was the point, and Sungyeol should have been able to treat it as lightly as animal impressions or ragging on Sunggyu. But there were Woohyun’s eyes on him, and afterwards there was the silence of the bathroom and any sense of mirth—which had been brittle to begin with—had dissipated entirely. There was no more armor of it’s-all-a-joke; Sungyeol-in-a-dress, thighs bare and hair curling softly around his face, had morphed into something as serious as Sungjong’s “Adult Ceremony,” except that Sungjong had been sharp and fierce, like worship was his dude, whereas Sungyeol felt small and exposed and anything but confident. Sungjong had performed like he knew exactly who he was and wanted everyone to see it. Sungyeol lingered in the bathroom like he was looking for some part of himself he wasn’t sure existed and had seen a stranger superimposed over his own too-familiar face in the mirror.

And then Woohyun had been there and—

No. Sungyeol presses his thighs together and smooths his thoughts over, trying to turn his whole world into nothing but the feeling of well-worn jeans against his skin (but it doesn’t help because thirty minutes ago, Woohyun’s well-worn jeans had been pressed against the bare skin of Sungyeol’s thighs and then he was gone and Sungyeol’s skin was cold).

When they reach home, Myungsoo does his Myungsoo thing, and falls into place right beside Sungyeol as soon as they’re all out of the van, the side of his arm pressed up against Sungyeol’s. He’s talking about something, probably the show they just finished filming or their schedule tomorrow or his new camera lens, but Sungyeol can’t focus on anything but the weight of his own dick in his pants and the taste of lipstick on his lips. Which is ridiculous, because he’d scrubbed his face almost raw with the wipes one of the noonas gave him—there isn’t any makeup on his face anymore, except maybe some clumps of mascara clinging to his lashes. But his lips still taste like lipstick.

He doesn’t look at Woohyun as they troop inside, but he’s as aware of him as he is of his dick, and the thought makes him want to scream or throw up or something, but then they’re in the elevator and Myungsoo sighs and rests his head on Sungyeol’s shoulder, his hair brushing against Sungyeol’s neck and cheek, and Sungyeol tries to focus instead on his nearness and the smell of his hairspray. It almost works.

Finally back in his room, door closed firmly behind him, he strips off his t-shirt and sheds his jeans, but he’d been right: exposed is worse than restricted, and he sorts through the piles on his floor frantically, looking for something—something—to put on that won’t make him feel like he’s in a costume or a straightjacket or—

The door clicks open and Sungyeol freezes, a sweatshirt hanging from one hand, his shoulders shooting up to his ears and he doesn’t need to turn around to know who it is. His heart beats heavy and thick in his mouth.

Get out get out get out, something is hissing inside of him, but his mouth won’t work, and the door clicks shut again and Sungyeol is frozen in place and the air conditioner has never hummed so loud before. But still, Sungyeol can hear Woohyun’s breathing.

He can hear, too, the small slick sound when Woohyun opens his mouth, and he presses his eyes shut; he knows the smudged remnants of lipstick aren’t still clinging to Woohyun’s lips where his own left them—Woohyun is far too conscientious to have walked out in front of the fans with Sungyeol’s lipstick still smeared on his lips—but he can’t help but imagine it still there, the streaks of red on Woohyun’s full lips, the taste of it still on Woohyun’s tongue and—

“Sungyeol—”

Sungyeol is standing there in a pair of briefs and nothing else, and he wasn’t cold a moment before, but now he feels like he walked into a freezer, the temperature almost a tangible plastic against his skin.

“Get out,” he manages to rasp out, and thank fucking God that it sounds harsh instead of pleading.

But it’s Woohyun. “Sungyeol—”

Sungyeol drops the sweatshirt and spins around so fast that Woohyun blinks, but Sungyeol is trembling now with anger or shame or pain or something flaring hot inside him. But he’s not so distracted by what he’s feeling that he doesn’t see Woohyun’s eyes flicker over his body, and it makes him want to rip all his skin off or drop down and curl up into a ball again, but he doesn’t, he can’t: Woohyun has to see who he really is, a flat chest, muscled shoulders, the outline his dick in his briefs. Woohyun has to see, even if it makes his stomach lurch with disgust that he was just touching this body—this man’s body—Woohyun has to see.

“It was always just me under there.” Sungyeol’s voice cracks as he speaks, but he doesn’t fucking care. “There were never any tits and my dick was always there and you—” He chokes, forces his heart back down his throat. “A bad idea. So get out.”

Woohyun’s eyes have gone very big, so round that he doesn’t hardly look like himself, and he’s breathing hard through his mouth, his hands—his hands that were sliding up Sungyeol’s thighs less than an hour ago—knotted by his sides. “Sungyeol, that’s not—”

“You won’t leave? Fine. Take a good long look.” The thought of Woohyun looking at him, at his bare skin, at the vulnerable lines of his body now that clothes aren’t veiling them, sends a wave of self-loathing disgust through him, but Woohyun has to see. This can’t keep happening—Sungyeol has to take care of it now. Now, because there might be more dresses and more stupid fucking variety shows and if they tell him to do it, Sungyeol can’t say no, not when he still has to work so hard for any little drama role he gets, not when he needs the approval of everyone in the industry so that maybe, just maybe he’ll catch a break. There might be more dresses, and the thought makes him want to die, but it’s undeniable and this can’t keep happening. It can’t. “Remember this next time. Remember that that girl doesn’t exist.”

Maybe he’s talking to himself, maybe he’s trying to remind himself that Woohyun hard against his leg, Woohyun’s mouth desperate against his wasn’t about him at all, but about some girl Woohyun could pretend he is. It had seemed like enough, when they were in that bathroom stall—not what he would have asked for, but enough in that moment. He’s always been greedy, and that greed has never been satisfied, so he’s been teaching himself over the years that what he can get has to be enough, and when Woohyun’s hand was sliding so slowly up the bare skin of his thighs under the hem of the dress, he had almost believed it.

But: maybe this isn’t such a good idea, and Sungyeol is not a girl, and Woohyun has to remember that, he has to, because Sungyeol can’t forget it himself, not again.

“That’s not—I wasn’t—” Woohyun’s voice sounds scraped raw and his eyes are fever-bright with something that Sungyeol can’t name, doesn’t even want to name, and Sungyeol’s skin is cold but he’s molten on the inside.

Woohyun’s eyes are too much for him, so he pivots back around, grabs up the sweatshirt again, yanks it over his head. But when his head emerges and he shoves his mussed hair out of his eyes (he would cut it off now, cut it as short as Destiny, if he had a pair of scissors maybe Sungjong has scissors Sungjong is the kind to always be prepared when Woohyun leaves he can borrow some and—), he hears Woohyun’s breathing again, close behind him this time, and then the warmth and solidity of Woohyun’s chest pressed against his back, and then Woohyun’s thumb edges up underneath the bottom of the sweatshirt and skims over Sungyeol’s hipbone and Sungyeol’s stomach lurches with heat and—

Fuck you,” he whispers, short and sharp, and now he’s shaking so hard he’s surprised his bones aren’t making rattling noises. He’s about to fling Woohyun’s hand away, turn around and shove him out of the room, but suddenly Woohyun’s arms band around his waist in a iron-hard backhug, Woohyun’s breath rasping in his ear, and Sungyeol would wrench himself free, but he’s shaking and breathing too hard and—

“I don’t forget.” Woohyun’s voice is still so raw, but it’s so close to Sungyeol’s ear now and Sungyeol can feel his pulse throbbing in his palms where his hands hang stiff at his sides. “I know it’s you. I always know it’s you.” Sungyeol’s control would snap then, but then he feels Woohyun’s nose nuzzle into the hair hanging over the back of his neck, feels the damp of Woohyun’s breath, and all he can do is stand there with Woohyun’s arms banded around him, his trembling frozen to something barely perceptible. “When you—when you look like that, it’s like it’s okay for me to—it’s like I don’t have to feel—like no one would blame me—”

“Because you can forget I’m a guy.” The words snap out of his mouth like rubber bands, but Woohyun’s arms tighten.

No. Because—”

Sungyeol goes to pull free just as Woohyun grabs him by the shoulders and spins him around, and then Woohyun’s kissing him again, and it’s just like in the bathroom earlier except that every hint of the lipstick is now gone, leaving nothing but the taste of Woohyun behind, and Sungyeol’s chest feels like it’s going to crack, so he jerks away.

“You can’t just—”

“Shitshitshit, Sungyeol—” And Woohyun flings himself back at him, arms clinging desperately, and he suddenly seems as fragile and small as Sungyeol feels, and the words he’s saying burn acid-hot on Sungyeol’s skin. “Don’t you—this is why I said it wasn’t a good idea—anyone could walk in, and you weren’t you—no! No, you were! But you wouldn’t believe that I knew that and—okay. Okay, I was being a coward, it was the easy way, I could have written it off on the dress, and that’s why it was a bad idea, because it’s not about the dress, Sungyeol, it’s never been about the dress or the makeup or the—but I felt like I could show it then, like it meant I wasn’t a freak, just confused and—”

“Confused?”

Woohyun shakes his head furiously, his hair moving around it in a way that would be comical in any other situation. “I’m not confused, I’m not, but everyone would think—if they knew, the fans or my parents or the company or—”

Sungyeol pushes down on Woohyun’s arms as hard as he can till Woohyun’s hands break apart and the embrace falls away. “I’m not your dirty secret to be ashamed of.” Why the fuck is Woohyun doing this to him?

“No, no, you’re not, but you’re—” Woohyun is so flushed, but not in embarrassment, and his eyes are wild for a moment and then they snap into something hard and he stares at Sungyeol dead on like he’s poured all his willpower into saying the next words he says. “I don’t just want you when I can pretend you’re a girl.”

Sungyeol doesn’t even know what kind of sound he makes in his own throat—a protest or a scoff or something else altogether. Now he can feel his pulse throbbing in his temples as well, in the backs of his knees and the balls of his feet. Woohyun suddenly looks very, very young.

“And even when I could pretend you’re a girl, I don’t. I don’t pretend that. I swear, Sungyeol. I don’t.”

Sungyeol’s throat is too dry to swallow, but he manages to get some words out. “I get you hot when I’m a girl.”

Woohyun’s head jerks once in a tense denial. “You’re never a girl. And you always get me hot. I just—I only let myself feel it when you have on a dress.”

And then Woohyun is rushing forward, pushing him down onto the bed, and Sungyeol lets him, Sungyeol lets him kiss him again, drag trembling lips across his cheek, pull back far enough to shove up the bottom of his sweatshirt.

“Fuckfuckfuck, Sungyeol, I can’t, I—”

Sungyeol doesn’t even feel Woohyun wrestle the sweatshirt off of him because his hands and feet have gone numb, frostbite ache cold, and Woohyun’s hands are everywhere, on his arms and sliding up his torso, and one grasping his thigh, and Sungyeol’s own fingers are in Woohyun’s hair, scrunching and tugging harder than he should, but he can’t be gentle, he can’t.

Then Woohyun’s lips and tongue and teeth are on the beauty marks just below Sungyeol’s collarbone, are coaxing harsh-edged pants for breath out of Sungyeol’s chest, are sliding further down, and then Woohyun’s scrunched down at the bottom of the bed and sucking red into Sungyeol’s thigh, and his breath is so warm on Sungyeol’s cool skin, and the damp of Woohyun’s breath brushes against the fabric of Sungyeol’s briefs and it’s like he’s breathing fire that shoots through Sungyeol, burning everything away till Sungyeol is nothing but fire.

Sungyeol shoots upward and doesn’t even realize he’s yanked Woohyun up by his hair until he sees Woohyun staring at him. Woohyun’s lips are more swollen than ever, the sight tightening Sungyeol’s gut, and his cheeks are flushed and his eyes are wide with something endless under the fall of his mussed hair and he’s staring at Sungyeol like he wants to pull Sungyeol right inside of him. And in the midst of the fire burning through his veins, Sungyeol feels something stir: that small, greedy part of him that he’s never been able to annihilate entirely, the part that lurks in the darkest depths of him and craves too much: craves love and adoration and devotion and worship and all the things that Sungyeol tries to stop himself from wanting. It’s like the look in Woohyun’s eyes has found that part of him, ripped away all the clutter around it and laid it bare in the sunlight, wrinkled and pathetic and undeniable. Sungyeol wants to smash it to smithereens, obliterate it completely, pretend it was never there, but he can’t move.

“Sungyeol,” Woohyun says, voice small but with something so big behind it, and then Sungyeol hurls himself forward and into Woohyun.

They make out like the teenagers they aren’t anymore, desperate and barely controlled, half-tangled in the sheets of Sungyeol’s bed, and Sungyeol is shivering with heat. Woohyun’s hands are sliding all over his skin, but when Sungyeol slides his hands down from Woohyun’s hair, he feels cotton and denim and of course that’s how it is: Sungyeol wearing almost nothing, Woohyun still fully clothed. Sungyeol has inches on Woohyun, but right now he feels like the small one, and when Woohyun’s thumb brushes against his nipple his gasp is more like a sob.

Then Woohyun shifts, and Sungyeol’s bare thigh is between his just like it was in the bathroom, and Sungyeol rolls his hips, the cotton of his briefs dragging over the denim of Woohyun’s jeans, and Woohyun lets out a strangled noise and then he’s rutting against Sungyeol’s leg, helpless, like the friction isn’t enough for his dick, and one of his hands is wrapped around Sungyeol’s other leg and his thumb is rubbing tiny circles into the sensitive skin, and Sungyeol feels like the top of his head and the bottoms of his feet have melted away.

It doesn’t last long, both of them holding onto each other too hard, Sungyeol’s fingernails biting into Woohyun’s biceps, their motions frantic and not at all in rhythm, and of course Sungyeol comes in his underwear, where did he think this was going, but he didn’t expect to come so hard it’s almost painful, so hard it leaves him feeling wrung-out and and his fingers trembling, and his mind is completely blank when Woohyun groans into his ear and presses harder against him.

The stillness, afterwards, is hard to bear, perhaps all the more so because both of them are gasping for breath. Sungyeol becomes aware that Woohyun’s hand is still gripping his thigh, just inches away from Sungyeol’s damp underwear and—

Woohyun’s rear hits the floor hard.

“Get out!” Sungyeol’s voice is somewhere between a hiss and a growl, and Woohyun’s eyes are round and wide and completely confused.

“Sungyeol—”

“Get. Out.”

Woohyun pushes himself up off the floor and he hasn’t even fully climbed to his feet before Sungyeol knows he’s about to reach out to him and the knowledged is so intolerable that— “I swear to God, Woohyun, if you don’t get out—”

Woohyun’s face could break a heart, but not Sungyeol’s. It’s too late for that.

He goes.

Sungyeol collapses back onto the stale sheets and realizes his fingers are still shaking. He should get up and change his underwear, clean himself off, but he can’t move.







Sungyeol doesn’t look at Woohyun for four days, but he can feel Woohyun’s gaze on him, tangible as a touch, whenever they’re in the same room. Sungyeol goes to the gym whenever he knows Woohyun isn’t there, and the ache in his muscles gives him something to concentrate on.

One night, half-drunk on soju (no surprise: he hasn’t been eating much the last few days), he fumblingly tries to voice the thoughts he’d had in the van to Sungjong. Sungjong is, as usual, less than impressed, maybe with Sungyeol’s breath, but he doesn’t shove Sungyeol out of the room, which is something.

“I’m still me when I wear a dress, hyung. I’m just me in a dress.”

This is so clearly true that Sungyeol can’t argue with it. “But the person people see—”

“I make them see me.”

“And what if they still don’t?”

“Then I don’t care what they think. They don’t know me anyway.”

Sungjong always makes it sound easy, even if Sungyeol is pretty sure all his wisdom is hard-won. But there’s no comfort in the words: Woohyun does know him, and that’s the worst thing about this whole situation.

“Hyung, you really need to stop agreeing to do drag if you’re going to have some sort of existential crisis after every performance.”

Sungyeol ends up passing out (more from exhaustion than alcohol) on Sungjong’s bed and Sungjong, who really does take care of his hyungs better than they take care of him, lets him sleep. He wakes to insistent sunlight the next morning and stumbles not-quite-hungover but definitely dry-mouthed into the bathroom and forgets to lock the door.

His skin is flushed pink when he steps out of the shower and slings a towel around his waist; the sound of the water running doesn’t clear his mind the way it had in the bathroom a few nights ago, but the mint of his toothpaste tugs him fully awake. The mirror is so fogged that he can’t see who it is when the door opens, but if it’s Sungjong, he’ll go back to his room and wait his turn and if it’s Myungsoo, he’ll trip in still mostly asleep and fall face-first into the shower without noticing Sungyeol at all. Sungyeol leans down to spit and wash his mouth, but after the sound of the door closing again there’s the click of the lock and Sungyeol almost bashes his forehead against the faucet as he jerks upright and slams the water off.

Woohyun looks tired and very young with his hair hanging over his forehead that way and his t-shirt a little too big in the shoulders, and Sungyeol should demand he get out, but he doesn’t. He just stares back at the tired droop of Woohyun’s eyes and doesn’t let his own shoulders hunch over the way they want to.

After a very long time, Woohyun swallows, and his voice when he speaks is husky the way it always is first thing in the morning; it’s so familiar and it shouldn’t make Sungyeol’s stomach turn over. “I fucked it all up. I’m really sorry. I did it wrong and I—” He shakes his head, whether to clear it or to deny his own words, Sungyeol can’t tell, and he’s almost recovered his own ability to speak again when Woohyun reaches down and pulls his shirt off. Sungyeol blinks at chocolate abs and blinks again when Woohyun shoves his sweat pants down and steps out of them, naked. He doesn’t move as Woohyun walks towards him, but he might as well not have even brushed his teeth for how cottony his mouth feels again.

Woohyun just keeps walking until he’s far too close, until Sungyeol can’t even focus on his eyes and his breath is fanning against Sungyeol’s mouth, and when Woohyun kisses him, Sungyeol doesn’t move. The kiss melts like ice on his lips and he’s breathing the same air as Woohyun when Woohyun reaches down and loosens his towel.

It puddles around Sungyeol’s feet and he jerks back, but before he can even begin to consider what to say, Woohyun’s hand closes around his dick. Sungyeol gasps as his eyes fly open wider, and Woohyun holds his gaze for a beat before slowly, deliberately, looking down.

Sungyeol looks down, too, just in time to see Woohyun press himself closer and then Sungyeol’s eyes roll back in his head, and he isn’t sure whether it’s at the sight or the feeling of Woohyun’s dick against his, of Woohyun’s hand wrapping around both of them. Woohyun drops his head forward, till his forehead is pressed against Sungyeol’s shoulder, and he’s still looking down between them, watching his hand coax both of them the hardness at once and that shouldn’t make Sungyeol’s blood head south, but Woohyun’s obviously affected too, and Sungyeol doesn’t know what to feel. He holds onto the counter of the sink behind him so hard that his hands ache, but he can’t loosen his grip.

The room is still humid from his shower, and Sungyeol is sweating hard now, his skin slick against Woohyun’s. Woohyun’s exhalations against his collarbone turn Sungyeol inside out, and Sungyeol’s breathing is closer to sobbing as Woohyun’s hand speeds up. The rhythm’s not quite right, but it doesn’t matter when Woohyun is still staring down between them and Woohyun’s skin is pressed up against his own.

Sungyeol’s hips are moving in frantic circles and his breathing is still more sobbing than anything else, and he can’t help it: he drops his head down and bites down on Woohyun’s collarbone. Woohyun’s hips jerk and so does his breath and his voice is still husky like the words were startled out of him when he gasps, “Fuck—Sungyeol—I fucking love you.”

And of course that’s what shoves Sungyeol over the edge. Everything goes white and he would probably have crashed to his knees if Woohyun’s arm didn’t shoot out and grab him around the waist. Sungyeol feels like his orgasm is being yanked from every cell of his body, and the helpless cry he lets out has Woohyun’s hips stuttering.

They gasp and slump against each other, and Sungyeol’s mind can’t hold onto anything but the smell of Woohyun and sweat and spunk.

And then Woohyun rasps, “Never wear a dress again if you don’t want to.”

It takes Sungyeol a moment to process those words. “It gets you hot when I wear one.”

“Everything you do gets me hot.”

Sungyeol is terrified and elated all at once, because this is big, so much bigger than he knows how to comprehend. But Woohyun is still cradling their soft dicks together and he presses a kiss to Sungyeol’s chest, right over his heart, and Sungyeol should try to get a hold of this somehow, sort out what he feels and what Woohyun is saying and what everything that’s happened between them over the past few days actually means, make it make sense and figure out a way to process it and decide where it’s going and what he actually wants.

But it’s already too late for that.

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-25 10:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] arsenic-lies.livejournal.com
I'M SO PLEASED YOU FINISHED IT <33333

also yes, good, Sungjong is forever the best and knows where it's at. erect statues to his glory and insight.

and the ending works, i know how you were struggling over that but you did it!!!!!!!! <3

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-25 10:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] penny-lane-42.livejournal.com
*kisses*

Thank you!!!

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-25 11:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] une-jonquille.livejournal.com
oh my fuck you did not
going to go do dishes now because if I read this first they won't get done

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-25 11:50 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] penny-lane-42.livejournal.com
i did, i don't know why.

get it done!

(i hope it's worth looking forward to, i have lost all ability to tell when something i write is decent.)

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-25 11:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] une-jonquille.livejournal.com
"I wrote Wooyeol and now I feel dirty idk" lady you could've written it on the Krog Street tunnel and I'd drive over to read it

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-26 02:12 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] une-jonquille.livejournal.com
I am a paragraph and a half in and already I am cursing your existence

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-26 02:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] une-jonquille.livejournal.com
The Sungjong part FIC AS META SOMEONE ALERT OUR BELOVED KELSEY

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-26 02:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] une-jonquille.livejournal.com
oh fuck confused proud boy dying for affection and attention Lauren you are not allowed in my head anymore this is your eviction notice fuuuuuuuuuck

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-26 02:36 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] une-jonquille.livejournal.com
fuck you're not supposed to write porn that almost makes me cry

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-26 03:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] une-jonquille.livejournal.com
okay I am dragging my scraped raw self to bed I hope you're happy with what you have wrought

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-26 03:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] penny-lane-42.livejournal.com
I AM

(thank you! sleep well!)

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-26 03:27 am (UTC)

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-26 12:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] une-jonquille.livejournal.com
did you see the description of the documentary as "Sungyeol who takes care of all his members?" I don't care how easily I am manipulated in the name of commerce (actually I do care and I keep thinking about it but lust/overidentification triumph over all) I need a badly subbed copy on YouTube NOW

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-26 07:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] penny-lane-42.livejournal.com
the documentary is going to be the death of us all.

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-26 03:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] penny-lane-42.livejournal.com
Haha, right?

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-26 03:27 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] penny-lane-42.livejournal.com
I did think as I was posting it, "This will probably hit Jessica hard if it's any good at all."

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-26 11:10 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ever-neutral.livejournal.com
But it’s already too late for that.

Ah, yes, good, right in the soft parts.

Well played, friend (or foe?), well played.

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-26 12:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] une-jonquille.livejournal.com
FOE, ALEX. DEFINITELY FOE.

hold me hand me a weapon

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-26 07:14 pm (UTC)

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-26 05:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ultimaaa.livejournal.com
I don't understand, you loved the original fic yet thought it had no resolution so you decided to write a sequel? That strikes me as disingenuous and rather disrespectful to the original author. Did you get permission to write a sequel? Writing a transformative work of canon is one thing, but doing it to another transformative work (that was created for free!) is incredibly rude. They came up with the idea, and now you're piggybacking off it for your own self-gain. I hope the next time you come up with the idea to do something like this you either reconsider, or, at the very least, ask the original creator if you have their permission to do so.

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-26 07:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] penny-lane-42.livejournal.com
Clearly we see things completely differently: I fail to see how writing a transformative work of someone else's transformative work is in any way different than writing one for canon. There was no personal gain involved (I can't even imagine what you mean by that) and it was created purely out of love for the other fic in exactly the same way that any other fic I've ever written was. There's a long established tradition of fanfic writers writing in each others' universes and I have never heard anyone complain about it before. In fact, people have written sequels to my own work, and I've been nothing but flattered.

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-26 08:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ultimaaa.livejournal.com
You assume because you'd be flattered that all authors would be, which is a very narrow-minded way of thinking. Just because it's a "tradition" doesn't mean that all fan writers subscribe to it. As an artist, if someone re-drew a fan art I put lots of time and love into, but changed part of it or added to it because they didn't like something I did originally, I would be quite offended.

A transformative work of canon is one thing, the original creator is at least paid or compensated for the source material. Transformative work of someone else's transformative work, the original creator was not compensated. They created this fic, art, photo, whatever out of love for the source. To come in and essentially say "no I don't like it let me change it" shows a tremendous amount of disregard for that effort.

By self-gain, I look at it this way: Did you not publicly post it to at least gain some sort of attention for it? if it was something you did for your own personal satisfaction, that would be one thing, but you posted this fic on several websites to share it. With sharing comes recognition, which to gain off someone else's fanfic is ethically wrong to me.

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-26 08:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] penny-lane-42.livejournal.com
To come in and essentially say "no I don't like it let me change it" shows a tremendous amount of disregard for that effort.

Except that's not what I did at all? I ADORE the original fic. I think it's perfect. It's stuck with me for years. I absolutely wrote this fic out of love for the original fic. It's exactly like when I LOVE a movie and yet I still want to write fic about it.

With sharing comes recognition, which to gain off someone else's fanfic is ethically wrong to me.

You keep implying that I wrote this for attention instead of out of sincere love for the original and that confuses the heck out of me. I want everyone to read that fic and love it as much as I do.

Look, if the original author (who has left fandom, or else I would have asked permission first just out of kindness) had a problem with this, I would take the fic down, even if I disagree with that author's line of reasoning. But I have no reason to think that person would have a problem with this when I have literally never heard of anyone having a problem with it before. Fandom is a conversation, that's the point, a conversation with the original source texts and with other fans. I did not rewrite the original fic; it's not at all like someone drawing the same picture as you and just changing a few things--it's like if you drew a picture of Hoya as a vampire and someone said, "That's so cool! I'm going to draw a picture of Sunggyu as a vampire!"

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-26 10:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ultimaaa.livejournal.com
Then the way you phrased "and while I LOVE the way it ends, I guess the Wooyeol shipper in me decided there needed to be actual resolution" really speaks otherwise, because it does imply you found the original to be unsatisfactory and that it needed to be fixed.

There is still a whole load of assumption on your end of things. Just because you have never heard of anyone having a problem with it, does not mean that creators won't have a problem with it. I realize that you come from a Western fandom, where activities like this are commonplace, but most k-pop fic writers come into the fandom from Eastern (anime and manga, etc) fandoms where there is a very strong culture of "do not change/edit/modify" because it's seen as immense disrespect for the effort that went into the original fanwork.

Fandom may be a conversation, but there are limits to that conversation that should be respected. I don't agree that this is a respectful way to contribute to a fandom, at least not without the original creator's explicit permission. If you can't get a hold of them to ask, then perhaps instead of assuming that they would be okay with it, reconsider posting it to begin with. Share it amongst your friends if you want others to read it so bad.

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-26 10:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] penny-lane-42.livejournal.com
You're right about the a/n: it does read that way, which is a result of the fact that my rhetoric is usually pretty flip. I can change that.

I am genuinely trying to figure out how it's okay to write about actual living people with real lives, but it's not okay to write in the same universe another writer has created. I would think the former would be considered vastly more unethical than the latter (many people do consider it so, and I respect that), yet you don't seem to have a problem with it? I legitimately do not understand what the difference is between writing a sequel to a movie and writing a sequel to a fanfic--you seem to think it has something to do with compensation, but all fanworks are outside the realm of compensation--compensation is beside the point, all fanworks are motivated out of love, so I don't see what that has to do with anything. There's a world of a difference between stealing something and passing it off as your own (which I agree is unethical) and being inspired by it and giving credit where it's due.

Honestly, I think I'm just having a hard time with this because you are the only person I've ever heard voice any of this, and if I had a context for it, it would perhaps make more sense to me. But no one else has had a problem with it, and unless I hear from other people who on their own arrive at the same conclusion you do, I don't know why your opinion should trump everyone else's.


(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-26 11:29 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ultimaaa.livejournal.com
That's the thing, a sequel isn't a product of inspiration; it's directly building off of an existing idea that, in this case, someone else came up with. And the difference between writing a sequel to a movie and writing a sequel to a fanfic, is that fanwork all exists within the same realm of community. The chances of someone who worked on the original movie seeing your sequel-fic is next to zero. Whereas the chances of the original author seeing someone writing a sequel to their fanfic (whether or not they were planning on writing one themselves) is much more likely, as all fic authors are on a equal playing field. That's where the issue of ethics come in.

Had you asked permission to write the sequel instead of assuming it was okay, then I would not have nearly the problem with this fic as I do. But you didn't, and here we are.

Trust me, I'm definitely not the only person who shares this opinion, albeit it may be in different contexts/fandoms. Infinite fic fandom is for the most part rather tiny--in any other Eastern-based fandom, you would find others who would agree with me. Of course, I'm not saying that my opinion should trump yours, but making you aware that this is a common sentiment in fandoms like this might save you grief in the long run, especially if you plan to write something similar again.

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-26 11:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] penny-lane-42.livejournal.com
I guess my problem (and why I'm being defensive about this instead of letting it go) is that you're framing this as an ethical question when I see absolutely no way that ethics has anything to do with it or as disrespectful when in fact this is the way that fans of anything have always shown the highest respect to works they appreciate. If you want to say, "This is just the way Eastern fandom is [though we are not in Eastern fandom--we're in an international English-speaking fandom], it doesn't have to make sense; it's just accepted community standard amongst a certain realm of fandom," then I can accept that. I think this particular standard is silly, but I'm not going to argue with you that it doesn't exist (though I think we disagree about what fandom I'm operating in). If your problem is that I went against some sort of fandom protocol (that I was unaware existed), that's one thing, but that doesn't seem to be what you're saying.

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-28 07:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/amaelamin_/
sorry for butting in - i get what you're saying, but i do think this is blown quite a bit out of proportion. the author linked to the original fic; she expressly stated she could not not get permission and why; she stated this was not an authorised sequel, and most important of all whatever she wrote does not change or affect the original fic in any way. she didn't remix any part of the original fic at all. i would totally understand your offense at this if she had done so but the fact remains that the original work remains untouched. the author of the original work has also left fandom so the chances of her coming across this are slim indeed. finally, about the eastern vs western fandom part: yes, a lot of fan-created work (photographs, fanart, fanfic) is a no-go when the authors of those works subscribe to the eastern fandom prohibition of editing (i think it's important to note here that very often this is because these photos, fanart and fanfic are frequently compiled and sold for money). however the english-language fanfic part of fandom, despite it being based on an eastern 'subject', doesn't exactly fall into that category. plus, like i've stated above, the author here did not edit any of the original and gives due credit to the original author. personally, i don't see a problem here. i have had other people ask me if they can use my AUs to write fics of their own in, and in every instance they have asked more in the spirit of not wanting to seem like they'd stolen my ideas and were plagiarising. as the author has given credit and already tried her best to contact the OP i'm not sure this warrants so much censure.
Edited Date: 2014-10-28 08:05 am (UTC)

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-27 01:07 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aerintine.livejournal.com
this is terrific. you kept the style of the original(s) and i really like the abruptness of the ending, which makes this a fitting continuation of the previous work and a really cool homage.

(also this is dirty in the v best way)

the convo with sungjong is, of course, my fave.

The kiss melts like ice on his lips and he’s breathing the same air as Woohyun when Woohyun reaches down and loosens his towel.
i got the strangest shiver at this. it was a good shiver.


woohyun desperately in love and fucking it all up in his desperation is my absolute favorite thing ever ever ever.

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-27 03:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] penny-lane-42.livejournal.com
I'm so so glad you liked it!

Thank you!

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-27 04:33 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] azurrys.livejournal.com
Hello! I’m sorry in advance that this comment is going to be pretty long and isn’t really fully about the fic either (though that said, please let me say that I do love it!) but rather about the comment thread about the fact that this is a sequel to a fanfic. I don’t want to butt in, but it’s an issue that I’ve thought about myself so I just wanted to say something about it.

While I personally have no problems with sequels, like you (as in if someone wrote a sequel to something I wrote I would be flattered), I actually assume the reverse: maybe because I’ve been operating in different fandoms or come from a different culture, but personally, unless the author explicitly states that they don’t mind someone writing sequels or remixes to their fics or you ask them first, I automatically assume that the author won’t like it. That said, it was interesting to me that you think the exact opposite.

I don’t really think the fact that this is RPF has much to do with it. I would assume the same if someone was writing in a different fandom, like a book or movie fandom, though it appears that that attitude isn’t really prevalent in other fandoms. While I understand and agree that writing fanfic is a way to show respect to works that are loved, and that it’s obviously not necessary to ask a TV show writer or book author if you can write fanfic about their show/book, I think that the standards (for me, at least) are different when it comes to fanfic—no matter what fandom. I’m not sure whether this will make sense, but for me I think that the fact that precisely because fanfic is produced for love and not compensation, it’s more important to ask for permission. Most of the fandoms that people write fanfic in are commercialised in some way, including Infinite. Somehow that seems to make it more like open territory, if you know what I mean; like it’s okay to write fanfic without asking permission because it’s been commercialised and thus to some extent depersonalised. (RPF is trickier than that, of course, and it sort of strays into human rights and all that, but that’s off-topic.) But fanfic seems much more personal, because you gain nothing (of economic value, anyway) from it and it’s written out of love. Because of that it also seems to me that it would be more necessary to ask permission before writing a sequel.

I also disagree that all authors will naturally be flattered to see sequels to their fanfics, the same way not all book authors like seeing fanfic of their books. Simply on that chance, even when the fandom-prevalent attitude is that it’s okay to write a sequel to something I think it’s always better to be on the safe side and ask for permission first, especially because for the most part it’s much easier to ask for permission from a fanfic author rather than the author of an actual book. I do understand, though, that it wasn’t exactly possible in this case since the author left fandom.

All this being said, this attitude does seem fairly prevalent in fandoms about Eastern media, even in the English-speaking parts of these fandoms (and far more so in Chinese fandoms, which I’ve dipped my toes in), partly because I believe there are simply more Asian people in these fandoms. But of course this is just what I think and it may not be true. I think this concept is just a way of thinking that’s very different from yours, because I’m pretty sure it has its roots in Asian values (where in my experience it’s often unthinkable or at least socially unacceptable to do something without permission from some source of authority, mostly when you’re younger—but it’s hard to grow out of it). So in a way, at least from my personal standpoint, it could come off as an ethical issue because it deals with permission and not asking for it can often be taken as disrespectful and/or rude. I don’t mean to judge, but I do want to say that while you’ve never heard of this line of reasoning, it’s definitely not a strange thing to me and others.

I’m sorry for this long, confusing essay of a comment, and I hope I didn’t offend! If I did, it wasn’t my intention. I just wanted to clarify my thoughts on the issue.

(no subject)

Date: 2014-10-28 01:55 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] chenchen-90.livejournal.com
OMG. just omg. You're such an amazing writer! and I love your portrayal and interpretation of the relationship between Woohyun and Sungyeol.
Ugh, all of your wooyeol stories are amazing~
^.^

(no subject)

Date: 2014-12-29 08:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] atheend.livejournal.com
I really like this!!! Plus thank you for linking the original fic! I really enjoyed both endings.

I'm tempted to give my two cents on the argument below but nah... is a two months old argument and I have months of fictions to catch up. It was a great follow up to the original!

(no subject)

Date: 2015-08-02 11:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wristvein.livejournal.com
oh my gosh.

i read your a/n and thought "wow, if she's been obsessed with this fic for /years/ it must be really good! i can't wait to read it too!" so i clicked the link, the page loaded, and i was like, what.
holy cow.
i am so so thankful and just blown away that you were able to engage so deeply with a fic i wrote, and not only that, but you liked it enough to want to make a sequel? i'm beyond words. i don't know how to explain the feeling of leaving fandom for almost 2 years, coming back, and having one of the first things you see be a tribute to something you wrote years ago. i'm like on the verge of tears. i don't want to make this comment all about me me me but seriously, i am soooo honored, delighted, amazed, and just exploding with feelings in general. a clothes misconfessional is something i wrote very honestly and really put my heart into, so this is all the more overwhelming for me. i'm sorry i caused some problems by not being available for contact, but guys! it's ok! i give my permission! haha.

moving on to talking about the actual fic, WHICH WAS WONDERFUL?????? tbh there was always a part of me that was regretful at the unsatisfactory ending in acm. the little fluffy Happy Endings bunny in my head was like 'aw come on, what the hell is this, you can't end it here,' but it was just too much Feelings for me to deal with again and so i never wrote a sequel. but this...... this was AMAZING. man. i wouldn't have written it any other way. I'M SO STOKED. i feel like your writing style worked really well with the mood of this fic. and omg the details you referenced from my fic in the very beginning, i got so giddy, like with the backpack; "Woohyun’s hand—broader, blunter, rougher than Sungyeol’s—had closed tight around the handle of Sungyeol’s backpack." like i know this is such a tiny detail but SQUEALS.

also "He stops himself from drooping his shoulders but keeps his eyes on the reflection of the orange streetlight on the top of their van, trying to look merely tired and not lost. The fans are used to tired. Sungyeol is used to tired." fucking idol angst goddammit

and one of my favorite lines:

"Sungjong had performed like he knew exactly who he was and wanted everyone to see it. Sungyeol lingered in the bathroom like he was looking for some part of himself he wasn’t sure existed and had seen a stranger superimposed over his own too-familiar face in the mirror."

fuck!!! no! sungyeol! please. i've barely caught up with infinite since being active again, but it seems he's still struggling with the same issues as two years ago, which breaks my heart. sighs.

and lastly i am all for wise sungjong, who is the only one in infinite with his head on straight. (“Hyung, you really need to stop agreeing to do drag if you’re going to have some sort of existential crisis after every performance.” THESE FACTS! thank you sungjong.)


i'm really late to seeing and commenting on this, but i just wanted to clarify that i think it was awesome that you were inspired, and that i was able to play a part in that! i'm grateful people defended me, but i personally don't see anything ethically wrong with this, especially since credit was mentioned~ anyways, this was not only a lovely fic but an incredibly touching moment for me, so thank you <3
Edited Date: 2015-08-02 11:47 am (UTC)

(no subject)

Date: 2015-08-02 10:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] penny-lane-42.livejournal.com
oh oh oh!

i can't tell you what this comment means to me! i adore your writing so much, and i really wrote this absolutely as a tribute to your fic, so i'm absolutely thrilled that you are okay with me writing it and even more so that you enjoyed it!!! i'm delighted that i could make you feel welcomed back to fandom!

so: thank you thank you both for writing the original fic and for this very moving comment! i can't tell you what it means to me, but you totally made my day!

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